soaked bones.

favorite shot.

model is my little sister

taken and edited by myself

there is so much love flowing from those closest to me.

i can feel the world washing away my sadness as life evolves constantly like an ever-changing child curled up and trapped in a womb forever. the hands of time move so slowly yet not one thing remains still, colors bleeding into others and flurries of movement that is never repeated quite the same.

i am smiling as i turn my back, cutting away the feeble strings tied to my ankles and feeling the weight leave. a few silk ribbons have dug deep into my chest and wrapped themselves around my ribs, cradling my heart and promising truth. tears escape and follow a path my smile-lines create as hands reach out to me and i know those fingers will always uncurl to take my hand. always.

my life has begun with no chains dragging me down, pulling me to their level and injecting poison. i am fresh faced and wide eyed, my bones opening up and i am no longer hiding beneath my slouching shoulder blades. excitement and joy spikes in my blood and my movements are quickened, i am soaring.

i am learning what love is, i am learning what friendship is.

health diaries - sugar

over the past few years i have noticed my addiction to sugar. at every meal i would look around for dessert, or if i was eating out i would add ten or so dollars to the cost of my meal to include my sweets. i would feel instant bliss from eating those sugary foods, it was a way to make myself feel better.

i spoke to my naturopathic doctor and did my own research as to why these cravings occur and it all makes lots of sense now. i have undergone lots and lots of stress over the years. i remember my lungs filling up with poison that punctured my heart, my shirts soaking up my tears and collapsing on the ground in a messy heap of sobs. now that i think about it, this happened far too often and i am feeling sorry for my body. what an idiot i was.

i craved sugar and caffeine all the time which in turn forced my adrenal glands to give energy that it was lacking, forcing my body just to get by. those poor little glands must be exhausted from it all.

now, i am taking much better care of myself and the major stressor is gone, however the usual financial stress is always there and increases on certain days. i am now thinking very seriously about my studies. although i have started to see a naturopathic doctor, i have to space out my visits accordingly (as it is very costly!) and she will help me get back on track with my health, but the fees that come with prioritizing my health are high. healthy food is definitely not cheap these days, either.

i have cut refined sugar and caffeine from my life for the most part, which has drastically affected my energy levels and my cravings are skyrocketing. hopefully once i get supplements to support my adrenal glands these cravings will disappear..

 here's some pictures  to torture myself with:

ded.

stardust.

old old work years ago:

myself taken by my sister - concept i was working on.

sister

sister 

sister

taken in photography 11 - reflection of a tree in water

sister

ignore the watermarks, my laptop got stolen so i don't have the raws anymore.

if i could choose one career, knowing full well that i would succeed with no doubt about it, i would choose photography. i have always had a passion for it and i still do, i want to take stills of the world through my eyes. i want to capture beauty in people and travel to amazing places, i want to find beauty in even the dimmest light. i have a fixation on eyes, the way light slips over contours of bones, images that reflect emotion. i really do love it, but i am scared and i am the only one holding myself back.

i figured i would study for something else, then take photo's on the side. but there is also fear that i would be wasting a large amount of money on something i don't really care for.

i have a lot of figuring out to do.

my modeling career

all photo's taken by budianto nasrun 

i never thought about modeling seriously until friends brought it up over and over again, sparking interest in me enough to start up a profile on model mayhem. i did a few shoots freelance and without pay, building up my portfolio. however, only a few photographers (from what i saw) had real talent in them, so work was difficult to come by. i was looking through all the photographers in vancouver and came across budianto's, immediately sending him a message expressing my interest in doing a shoot.

he agreed and the shoot took place in his little apartment that had no furniture, but was full of photography lights and equipment that must have costed thousands and thousands of dollars. he was very professional and i was impressed for the first time ever. other photographers had made inappropriate comments as if they had never photographed a girl before and i usually left the shoot uncomfortable with photos i wasn't happy with. how could they turn out good when i wasn't comfortable?

budianto works for john casablancas international and invited me to a studio shoot to advertise the website, where carmen walked in. carmen is in charge of model management and watched just as it was my turn to take the spotlight. she was impressed by me (extremely flattering!) and gave me her card to call in for an interview.

since then, i have been with the agency. however, i am the shortest model in the agency and it's hard for work to come by, especially since i work full time and a lot of shoots are during a week day. an agency in china was interested in me but as soon as they saw my height, they said i wasn't tall enough for them.

as frustrating as this is, i do enjoy it very much. i am proud that i am part of an agency despite my height, succeeding after pursuing what i wanted. all in all, this experience is something i will never forget, proof that i can succeed as long as i pursue it. 

my mother

my mother and i

i remember a night a long time ago when i was small. the night had fallen around me and the cold nipped at my bones, but i was wrapped up in warm clothing and sitting in a car parked across from a patch of trees and shrubs. my sister and i were in my fathers truck among boxes and boxes of our items; two tiny bodies surrounded by towering cardboard. our family was moving out of our aunts house to a place that i cannot recall for the life of me. it is an insignificant detail considering the events that were about to take place, my memories of that night are foggy yet crystal-clear images flash in my mind. i am not curious about where we were going, not even now.

i remember looking at my mothers face as she pointed at the house, my father was in the process of climbing into the drivers seat but immediately stopped and retreated back into it. i had supposed we had forgotten something. i watched him disappear into the house and not a moment passed before i was tugged hurriedly out of my seat and we were suddenly running. my sister was on the other side of my mom and we trudged deep into that woody area near the car. i remember my moms voice, urgent yet gentle. she was murmuring encouraging things to us to get us to hurry along, our little feet scurrying on the grassy floor.

i was running through a dark forest but i wasn't scared of it. the darkness welcomed us as if blanketing us with protection, concealing us from my father. how my mother was able to run through this darkness with ease was beyond me. i don't remember what i had asked or what was said, but i do remember wondering what was going on and why? knowing my personality as a child, i probably never stopped asking questions the entire escape, but i don't remember this experience being scary at all.

the rest of the night was a blur. we found our way to a relatives and i remember hushed voices and being led somewhere far from the windows with all the lights off. everything was so quiet, so secret. the three of us were being cradled by darkness once again and these people were protecting my mother while my mother was protecting my sister and i.

i must have been so trusting of my strong and beautiful mother. the strength she displayed that night calmed all fears that rose in my little chest. she was a warrior hiding to protect something she held dear to her, something she would risk her life for and her future. this decision had no guarantee of success, not even in the future far from the looming body of my father and his booming voice that shook the walls. there was also society she had to face, one that always had hands grabbing at wallets, piercing eyes that glared at those that were not the same as them and those that would take her children away. she knew this fight would be a long one.

only now, do i fully understand what had happened that night. it made sense: the things i had witnessed as a child that should never be displayed in front of young eyes and the panic my mother had that night in our escape. she held us in her arms and fought at the same time, playing the role that should not be played by only one. i cannot imagine how long it took for her to figure out when it would be the right time to take us away, despite being empty handed with nothing to run to for safety. no safety net, no family, no money. all she had was the two of us with our hungry mouths and troublesome desires. our father had really spoiled us then took away all of her money, leaving my mom with needy children that would cry in the middle of a thrift store because our mother could not afford cheap dolls. she would end up crying with us.

eventually, eating donated food and accepting donated clothes did not matter much as it was something my sister and i grew very used to. other children often laughed at my clothes but i wore them proudly and comfortably and did not care what anyone thought. they displayed new toys and extravagant lunches that i had once felt jealous of, especially at show-and-tell. the one and only time i had stood up in front of the class for show-and-tell, i did not bring a toy or a material item that my mom bought me. i told the class about her instead, how great of a person she is. what reason did i have to be jealous? my mother shone with a light that could wipe out any evil, no matter how dark it was. this light would be something i aimed for, for the rest of my life.

my childish jealousy eventually faded as i started to understand our situation. i had a mother who studied until the light began to seep through our windows, who worked tirelessly with little pay but only worked harder and harder to meet my needs as well as my sisters. i remember babysitters that would feel insulted at the amount she could spare them to look after us and she would risk hiding us under her desk at work. we made many friends that let her hide us there, one of which i cannot bear to even think about. all i can say is that woman is the kindest woman i have ever met, one of which can compare to my mothers. she deserved much more than this world, filled with all it's evils and injustice that punish those that do not deserve punishment.


now, life is stable. there is food on our table, a roof over our heads and no evil that can pass through the gates my mother has built. she did not deserve what she went through, but in this journey she has  grown into the strongest person i have ever known. i hope to be exactly like her one day as she has taught me things that are much more important than being able to buy nice things.

reflections of a skyline

saw this a long, long time ago when i was still so young and i am still young but i find myself smiling at so many words and thinking only of him.

dialogue by sarah kane.

enjoy life.

just because i finally got photoshop back.

i feel so at peace with life right now. everything is falling perfectly into place as it should be and while there are ups and downs for sure, everything is happening accordingly. there is a reason for everything and the bad just makes the good feel that much better. i have grown so much and learned from the pain my heart has absorbed and have become much stronger as a person. there are so many things i am excited for in life, one of which is finally moving out of bc housing with my family after all these years.

bc housing is pretty awful. the owners or managers of the building can enter your home at any time, which i have sadly grown used to. we are not allowed to have cats or dogs, change the curtains, carpet, or walls. lots of things break down and infestations are common. last year our home was infested with mice and at the moment there are little ants crawling in our kitchen. it just doesn't feel like we have our own home.

however, my family is finally going to be able to have (somewhat) a place of our own. after years of living in a horrible bc housing environment, my mom spoke to me about living downstairs from another family in a bigger home. we will get to paint the walls however we want, change the curtains and nobody can enter our home without our permission! there will still be lots of privacy and my sister and i will still get our own rooms. it is a big step up.

i am currently looking into adopting a kitten and i am very, very excited! i will get him or her on my own, nobody will be allowed to take him/her away from me and there will not be any restrictions. i am currently looking for a scottish fold munchkin, a bengal or siamese. there have been quite a few bengal kittens listed online:

some of which are very expensive while others are more decently priced. i just hope i will find the right one for the right price at the right time! to be honest i have not looked at them until lindsay first expressed that he wanted one, but his cat does not get along well with other cats or kittens.

i have also been looking very intensely for scottish fold munchkins, but they are rare to find! the ONE listing i  was able to find, had only one left and it had straight ears rather than the folded ones. they sell out really fast. siamese are much easier to find, but i have my heart set.

i have never felt so in control of my life before and i am very, very happy. i have not felt so happy about life since i was much, much younger when i watched the world through a child's eyes and truthfully? my life has changed ever since march 26th, when lindsay and i first learned of our feelings for each other. he has injected pure awesome into my life and i am very thankful.

little sparrow

sparrow wings

i will not explain why i am posting a picture or writing about sparrow wings (yet), in case somebody comes across this post and decides to be a major derpball. i will explain what they signify to me in my own personal view, though.

whenever i think of a sparrow, i think of a small and plain little bird. the color and shape of the feathers and wings remind me of a softness, a gentleness. sparrows are never usually seen by themselves and whenever i feed one, a few more always join their companion. they are never alone and function well  in pairs or groups; they are a family bird and i adore that about them. they are generally common but their behaviour and characteristics are appealing to me.

they remind me of my love for my family, but mainly my sister. she is one of the greatest people i have ever known and i know it is rare to have a fantastic opinion about a sibling. i have a great attachment to her and i can honestly say she is my best friend, a person that i will be close to forever. whenever we do get into a disagreement, it is impossible to hold any grudges no matter what is said or done and the issue is dealt with and fixed within an hour or two, sometimes even less.

she is a very funny and adorable human being with a great heart, i swear she must have gold blood flowing in her veins and i wish the people involved in her life could see it. she has been hurt by people just like i have and does not have the mindset or personality of the majority of girls her age, which i am very thankful for. we can talk about anything. she is very artistic and i often wonder what her mind is filled with and what she sees.

i appreciate her very much, but sometimes i even catch myself feeling envious that i am not more like her. it's foolish of me  but that twinge of jealousy is fleeting, never spiteful and is quickly overcome with appreciation of her greatest qualities.

she is someone i look up to and i know she looks up to me as well. she has ever since birth and watching home videos always brings a smile to my lips because she is often caught on camera copying things that i do and following me around. i had trouble adjusting to having a sibling for awhile when i was younger, unused to sharing the attention. over the years she became my greatest companion and i appreciated her more and more and we have always been inseparable.

this post may seem a bit random, but it ties together perfectly and has a significance to it. i love my little sister very much and we will always be together, sparrows remind me of our bond.

you're spreading poison like wildfire

i am in a place i really don't want to be right now. a place i remember all too well, where i had my eyes cast down towards the ground as i walked; my shoulders tense, my mouth limp. a place where they shouted awful things and my name was somehow mixed in and it didn't make sense.
why did they hate me so much? i had done nothing to them. i had done nothing to her except be a friend to her lover and they all turned their backs to me as if i were an alien. friends dropped my hand and called me things i had never heard directed at me before.

i so badly wanted to run. what good would it have done if i shouted things back at them? anything i said was pulled from my mouth and rearranged and things only got worse.

and here i am again.
i am here again because i fell in love and she could not control how i felt or what i did. i am here again because her mouth is wide open, telling everyone that i am a monster for what i did to her. as if i owed her my entire being. i am not a slave. i belong to no one. i make one mistake and i am condemned for it? i am punished? i am not the only one who lied.

rage is shaking in the bones of my fingers and i am trying to be calm. i am trying not to say awful things about the girl that is saying awful things. i am trying not to say things because i still care for her and she is spreading my name around but making it a poison, making my name become a bad taste in their mouths. i can imagine their noses wrinkling at the thought of me. she is spilling my secrets over tables and hers are still locked in my lungs.

i really do not deserve this, but i am at least thankful i won't be trapped in a school hallway this time where i have to face them every single day and the weekend is the only escape.

future adventures: top three

new zealand is a place i eventually want to live, but i am definitely going to visit and explore before making that decision. the scenery really attracts me, it looks so calm and beautiful compared to the busy city life i am used to. i am tired of the smog, the cost of living, the people. i miss my childhood where i enjoyed camping, fishing and hunting with my dad much more than this hectic and repetitive life. while vancouver is fun at times because of how many things there are to do, it's hard for me to enjoy without feeling the guilt of spending so much money and the rushing crowds it brings. 

while i'm sure there are con's in new zealand, the main reason i am thinking of living there is how truly beautiful it is and how steady the economy is. i can really imagine a beautiful life there with lindsay at my side.

auckland, central otago, coromandel... truthfully, just everywhere. 

france has always been the number one country i have always dreamed of going to and i will not die without going to at least one of the cities, which is probably going to be paris. i do want to see the countryside though, places that aren't always jostling with a busy city life.

 paris (of course), lyon, carcassonne, bergerac, strasbourg ....

there are too many to list. 

italy is so full of art and beauty that i am not used to seeing. i am so excited to go there, sometimes even more so than france. seeing pictures really makes my chest swell up with excitement and happiness and i know for sure that i will love it there. the architecture is gorgeous and it is a place i always imagined would be the perfect getaway for me. i really adore the language.

florence, sicily, milan, venice, rome..

that's going to be quite a big trip.

old, old writing

her eyes are tired

her heads filled with static but she can't hear any music, nothing but repeats of the same routine where he's begging for her hand but she's dragging her feet behind


fire sparks her eyes and she doesn't want this, not yet not yet!
and he cries what is wrong with you? why don't you love me?
but she does, she does
and he stops as she starts and brushes those tears away, promising everything
stardust, he would give her and his life he would sacrifice
and he wants more than sweet nothings and watching television all after-noon and mornings by her side and 
every single word she has meant
he wants the rest of her life and they're so young but it doesn't matter, he believes they will never part and she is taking steps back
her throat tightening and he's shouting
just abandon all sense!
he's standing atop a window sill staring down at his end but cannot leave and she cannot handle this 
and he promises everything while she hates promises

desperation

limbs 
clinging as if they would die left stranded
hands were made for grasping, painted lips utter the words but words are empty
wrapping legs, arms 
round and round
temporary promise that they'll never let go
gasping as if there was no more air
as if skin was the source of breathing and
touching meant staying alive

i miss my childhood summers

i'm stuck here, wanting the days when i woke up to the fresh, hot air that breathed on my white walls, the sunlight peeking through my curtains. i always sleep on my side, always facing the window, so the first thing i laid eyes on in the morning was my dollhouse. pink, and light blue.

my days consisted of running around outside until sunset, mixing chalk with water and painting the pavement with pastels and names and by the end of the day, the sky had a twin with the words "Hannah" etched into the pink clouds.

there was no such thing as heartbreak. boys stayed best friends and love did not hurt. my best friend was a boy. we made adventures with old blankets, tying two corners around our shoulders and pretending we could fly, only to fall and scrape grass stains into our blue jeans. but we didn't care, got up, and did it again. only when our jeans had no knees did we stop, and go home where our mothers would 'click-click-click' their tongues and complain about how expensive jeans are and that soon our knees would have no skin.

we thought we would live forever, and that sixteen meant you were elderly, and life wasn't hard.

i miss the days where i did not care. my hair was a tousled mess, my clothes were just comfortable, my knees were scraped all the time, and i did not understand the concept of pretty shoes because they would just be stepped on all the time anyway and how could i kick a soccer ball with high heels?

i miss the days where i wasn't broken.

no title

it's the kind of pain where your holding broken glass together with only your bare hands and crunching it in, pressing it together
hoping if you let go, your blood will be enough to hold it together and it will become the beauty it once was

no title

the sobs are breaking my bones and crushing my lungs
black running down my face marking where my tears once ran
my arms are too small to hold myself together
and although it feels like you're gone, i know you'll be back
and my heart will bruise once more
twice more
thrice more
unsure, my fingers grasping and letting go, letting go and grasping
i can't do this, i tell myself
but i can, it will just kill me as i'm trying
all for the sake of foolish hope that my care for you will be returned
one day


x


the majority of these are about a person that took up two years of my life. it is needless to say that he didn't treat me very well and that i was foolish for staying that long. but i am free and all that's left of him are these pieces of writing that i wrote with tears streaming down my face.


i do not cry any more and i am happy that the horrible, dark chapter of my life is finally over.

Lindsay.

his little sister was my best friend. she and i had been friends for about a year and then i met him on the night that she and i tried ecstasy. my vision was sharper, i felt warmth in my chest and it felt like there was nothing wrong with my chaotic life at that moment. i had given into my sorrows and indulged in things that were awful for me to feel my problems melt away for a few hours.

he walked in with his music blasting through his headphones. she and i were sitting at the dining room table, we had been talking and grinning immensely; the e had just kicked in fully. he sat down on the couch and we said our hello's, got introduced. the night progressed and a connection was almost instant. although i knew my personality and feelings were under the influence of a drug, there was something there, my feelings were enhanced. i was very glad to meet him and i still smile at the memory:

he was beautiful. soft brown hair that was arranged in messy wisps, yet still so perfect. dark eyes that peeked out from a curtain of long eye lashes. his gaze sent shivers down my spine, so intense that i had to look away before being drawn in too deep. i remember being very fixated on his eyes and how they seemed to look right through me. his smile was perfect and sent warmth throughout my entire being and filled my heart up with liquid gold, it seemed. suddenly i had become very aware that my best friend was across the table from me and she was watching us, watching me. i tried my best to hide my feelings away and pretend i was talking to someone else. images of people i had recently met flashed in my mind and i focused on them and how i would behave around them, trying so desperately to quell my feelings and the pull he seemed to have on me. i tried to hide the fact that i wanted to get to know this man but god. how could someone's laugh be so beautiful?

i could not help but laugh and enjoy myself but it seemed i knew a long time ago that my best friend would not be happy about this.

the rest of the night was a blur of happiness and laughter and intense eye contact that truly melted my composure. nobody could get past my composure the way he did, nobody. the thought scared yet excited me. time passed and he and i began to communicate everyday through facebook. she had told me that he never added her friends and when he accepted my friend requested, my entire being lit up. i swore i was glowing from head to toe.

whenever i came over to hang out with my best friend, i would feel a rush of excitement at the idea of spending another night laughing and watching movies with the two of them. he would come home from work quite late, and i fought the urge to sleep every single time. sometimes she would fall asleep curled up on the floor and it would be just him and i, our guards down. just us. i didn't feel the need to hold back as much as i did when she was awake, watching and listening to everything. it felt like a sense of relief. talking with him made me feel very happy and the butterflies in my stomach were fluttering.

however, the complications began to arise: she revealed to me one day after seeing our chat window open that she was very uncomfortable that we spoke to each other. she said that she found it very weird. i understood her feelings because he's her older brother, but something else tugged at me. that this ran deeper than just being slightly 'weird' to her but i didn't want to press the matter. i didn't want to make this an issue between us, so i lied to her. i told her that i had no interest in him in that way and she let it go. however, she had requested that if she continued to feel weird about us talking, that i delete him on facebook. i hesitated, knowing my refusal would raise immediate flags, then agreed that i would.

weeks went by and i didn't stop. how could i? there was no real good reason to and i didn't agree that it was right of her to ask me of that. i should have told her my feelings about it all. it was brought up again, but this time she requested that we don't speak of personal things, seeing how i still haven't stopped communicating with him.

had she been looking through our chats through his facebook? why was she trying to keep me from the one thing that i so badly wanted? the one thing i was sure would make me happy, if he had wanted me? it would hurt no one.

i remember being very disturbed at her disregard of his privacy. our privacy. she had invaded a part of me that was very precious: the only way i could get to know him.
once again, i didn't press the matter. i did not bring up that what she was doing was wrong. i had always felt somewhat of a fear of her boiling rage throughout our friendship, having witnessed it first hand and hearing what she's said about her other friends. i told her i wouldn't but this time, i really did try. i tried to keep our conversations short, brief.  holding back was one of the hardest things i had attempted to do, and i felt stress tighten up inside my chest every time i stopped my fingers from typing what i really wanted to say.

eventually, i couldn't stop myself from at least indulging in real conversations. if i could not have him, then i would at least talk to him however i wanted. what she had requested of me didn't last long, but i did not feel remorse. we discovered we both wrote poetry and started to share our pieces of writing with each other. our writing styles were different, but both described immense pain. i remember my eyes filling with tears after learning about the horrors that had been done to him and all i wanted to do was hold his face in my hands and protect him from the world. he trusted me with a part of him that was very delicate and although what he told me made my heart ache, i felt happy that he shared it with me.

my visits became less frequent but mainly because i had started to work full time. some of it was the fact that i didn't want to become more attached and i didn't want to fuel my desire to be with this man. i was also feeling a small amount of growing resentment for the girl that would not stop telling me how weird everything was. it felt like she was telling me how i should be feeling, that me being comfortable speaking with him was so wrong. each time we were together it was almost like she was right up next to my ear, whispering orders to me. i did not want to be around both of them at the same time, with her scrutinizing eyes trained on our actions, our words. i felt like i left my body whenever the three of us were together. i was a wooden puppet, with hollow eyes and a mouth controlled by thin strings that were tied around her pale fingers. i tried to stop my face from lighting up whenever i saw him, i forced myself to stop fidgeting whenever i anticipated it. i stopped being true to my own feelings.

then things  became so complicated suddenly. my best friend was relentless, telling me how it was so weird that we spoke and her words kept lashing out like a whip. all i had done was ask him for a favour and she immediately pounced on me. i was 'oddly' comfortable enough to ask her brother but i should have asked her first. the stress that had been building up exploded from my chest and i had had enough. she was making me choose and so i did. i chose her because of what she has helped me through in the past. i chose her because how odd would it seem, to choose someone that i didn't even know had feelings for me in return?

i chose someone that should have never made me choose in the first place and i felt my lungs deflate. i had no words i could call my own.

i was so angry, i was so sad. i held my tears in as i clicked on his name, i relinquished control and let her take over my finger tips. i told him that i was sorry, that i had to respect her feelings (keyword: had) and that i wouldn't be speaking to him any more. i had hurt him, i know i did. i would not forgive myself.

to punish myself, i started things up again with a boy that i detested. a boy that had hurt me in the past because of my foolish expectations on how i should be treated but that easily changed. we had used each other before but i had shut out my feelings and acted in a way i found so backwards that i didn't like who i had became, so i stopped. i was sad and disgusted with myself, thinking that this was what i had to settle with: being with someone to use them and get used to return. i was empty and it felt like the color had drained from my heart.

he was more than always available for me and all it took was one message. i warned him from the start and said:

"there is no future between us, i do not trust you, and my heart belongs to someone else. your choice whether or not you want this or not."

he was okay with it, so i spent time with him. he was a  boy that was so focused on himself and only himself, who spent hours working out and kept me around to see every inch of my skin. i was using him in return but it did not stop me from feeling pure disgust. eventually, things suddenly began to change. his attitude did a complete 360 and he was starting to treat me differently. he became nicer and did things for me, things that surprised me but did not once make me happy. he dropped plans and came running every time i called but my callous attitude did not change and i manipulated him. i was in full control and he became my puppet.

what an evil person i was. i kept thinking: what would i want with a boy who appreciated me far too late, who was selfish, disrespectful and whose personality i was disgusted with? he had treated me like a piece of meat and now he thinks he can change? i felt awful for revelling in my revenge.

when he started to profess undying love for me, i stilled. words that are overused, yet so desperately wanted were being said to me and all i could think of was how much i did not want to hear them. not from him, not from anyone else except L. they sounded like poison pouring from his lips. i pushed him away and stopped having conversations with him. he was there only for my own selfish reasons and i punished myself by becoming someone that i hated.

my best friend was pleased. she had expressed before that did not like this boy because of how he used to treat me, but once i had drunkenly told her how i felt about her brother, she encouraged me being with him. i confessed to her that i did not like him either, but her reply to that was,

"maybe give it some time? he seems to be really sweet now."

the eagerness in her words made me feel sick. she had been the one to tell me right away that his change of heart was fake, a ploy. no matter how he acted now, i had already seen his true colors. she really did not mind if i would get hurt by this boy, as long as i stayed away from her brother.

what bullshit.

i began binge drinking. smoking weed made me cry too much, so i avoided that all together. i would wake up after another night of drowning my feelings and sit there for a very long moment, at a loss with what to do with myself. each day felt like a repeat. i missed him greatly and he never left my mind. i was indulging myself in things to fill up the empty void in me, knowing it would only make me more miserable knowing that fact.

on my lunch break at work one day, i sat by myself in the cafeteria filling up my plate with tears. a coworker that i had grown close to came by and asked me what was wrong, the first thing i had said to her was "i need some advice."and told her what was going on.

she sat with me for the duration of her lunch break and gave me words of encouragement, words that were true and i was filled up with so much bravery and excitement that as soon as my half was up, i opened up facebook and sent him a message.

many things have  changed since then but the one thing i am sure of, the one thing that makes me happy is that i am in love with him and he is in love with me. i truly have never been happier and i am so thankful of him. we spend so much time together, as much as possible and i really can't get enough.

i look forward to our future and i am glad i made the sacrifices that i did in order to be with the love of my life.