Lindsay.

his little sister was my best friend. she and i had been friends for about a year and then i met him on the night that she and i tried ecstasy. my vision was sharper, i felt warmth in my chest and it felt like there was nothing wrong with my chaotic life at that moment. i had given into my sorrows and indulged in things that were awful for me to feel my problems melt away for a few hours.

he walked in with his music blasting through his headphones. she and i were sitting at the dining room table, we had been talking and grinning immensely; the e had just kicked in fully. he sat down on the couch and we said our hello's, got introduced. the night progressed and a connection was almost instant. although i knew my personality and feelings were under the influence of a drug, there was something there, my feelings were enhanced. i was very glad to meet him and i still smile at the memory:

he was beautiful. soft brown hair that was arranged in messy wisps, yet still so perfect. dark eyes that peeked out from a curtain of long eye lashes. his gaze sent shivers down my spine, so intense that i had to look away before being drawn in too deep. i remember being very fixated on his eyes and how they seemed to look right through me. his smile was perfect and sent warmth throughout my entire being and filled my heart up with liquid gold, it seemed. suddenly i had become very aware that my best friend was across the table from me and she was watching us, watching me. i tried my best to hide my feelings away and pretend i was talking to someone else. images of people i had recently met flashed in my mind and i focused on them and how i would behave around them, trying so desperately to quell my feelings and the pull he seemed to have on me. i tried to hide the fact that i wanted to get to know this man but god. how could someone's laugh be so beautiful?

i could not help but laugh and enjoy myself but it seemed i knew a long time ago that my best friend would not be happy about this.

the rest of the night was a blur of happiness and laughter and intense eye contact that truly melted my composure. nobody could get past my composure the way he did, nobody. the thought scared yet excited me. time passed and he and i began to communicate everyday through facebook. she had told me that he never added her friends and when he accepted my friend requested, my entire being lit up. i swore i was glowing from head to toe.

whenever i came over to hang out with my best friend, i would feel a rush of excitement at the idea of spending another night laughing and watching movies with the two of them. he would come home from work quite late, and i fought the urge to sleep every single time. sometimes she would fall asleep curled up on the floor and it would be just him and i, our guards down. just us. i didn't feel the need to hold back as much as i did when she was awake, watching and listening to everything. it felt like a sense of relief. talking with him made me feel very happy and the butterflies in my stomach were fluttering.

however, the complications began to arise: she revealed to me one day after seeing our chat window open that she was very uncomfortable that we spoke to each other. she said that she found it very weird. i understood her feelings because he's her older brother, but something else tugged at me. that this ran deeper than just being slightly 'weird' to her but i didn't want to press the matter. i didn't want to make this an issue between us, so i lied to her. i told her that i had no interest in him in that way and she let it go. however, she had requested that if she continued to feel weird about us talking, that i delete him on facebook. i hesitated, knowing my refusal would raise immediate flags, then agreed that i would.

weeks went by and i didn't stop. how could i? there was no real good reason to and i didn't agree that it was right of her to ask me of that. i should have told her my feelings about it all. it was brought up again, but this time she requested that we don't speak of personal things, seeing how i still haven't stopped communicating with him.

had she been looking through our chats through his facebook? why was she trying to keep me from the one thing that i so badly wanted? the one thing i was sure would make me happy, if he had wanted me? it would hurt no one.

i remember being very disturbed at her disregard of his privacy. our privacy. she had invaded a part of me that was very precious: the only way i could get to know him.
once again, i didn't press the matter. i did not bring up that what she was doing was wrong. i had always felt somewhat of a fear of her boiling rage throughout our friendship, having witnessed it first hand and hearing what she's said about her other friends. i told her i wouldn't but this time, i really did try. i tried to keep our conversations short, brief.  holding back was one of the hardest things i had attempted to do, and i felt stress tighten up inside my chest every time i stopped my fingers from typing what i really wanted to say.

eventually, i couldn't stop myself from at least indulging in real conversations. if i could not have him, then i would at least talk to him however i wanted. what she had requested of me didn't last long, but i did not feel remorse. we discovered we both wrote poetry and started to share our pieces of writing with each other. our writing styles were different, but both described immense pain. i remember my eyes filling with tears after learning about the horrors that had been done to him and all i wanted to do was hold his face in my hands and protect him from the world. he trusted me with a part of him that was very delicate and although what he told me made my heart ache, i felt happy that he shared it with me.

my visits became less frequent but mainly because i had started to work full time. some of it was the fact that i didn't want to become more attached and i didn't want to fuel my desire to be with this man. i was also feeling a small amount of growing resentment for the girl that would not stop telling me how weird everything was. it felt like she was telling me how i should be feeling, that me being comfortable speaking with him was so wrong. each time we were together it was almost like she was right up next to my ear, whispering orders to me. i did not want to be around both of them at the same time, with her scrutinizing eyes trained on our actions, our words. i felt like i left my body whenever the three of us were together. i was a wooden puppet, with hollow eyes and a mouth controlled by thin strings that were tied around her pale fingers. i tried to stop my face from lighting up whenever i saw him, i forced myself to stop fidgeting whenever i anticipated it. i stopped being true to my own feelings.

then things  became so complicated suddenly. my best friend was relentless, telling me how it was so weird that we spoke and her words kept lashing out like a whip. all i had done was ask him for a favour and she immediately pounced on me. i was 'oddly' comfortable enough to ask her brother but i should have asked her first. the stress that had been building up exploded from my chest and i had had enough. she was making me choose and so i did. i chose her because of what she has helped me through in the past. i chose her because how odd would it seem, to choose someone that i didn't even know had feelings for me in return?

i chose someone that should have never made me choose in the first place and i felt my lungs deflate. i had no words i could call my own.

i was so angry, i was so sad. i held my tears in as i clicked on his name, i relinquished control and let her take over my finger tips. i told him that i was sorry, that i had to respect her feelings (keyword: had) and that i wouldn't be speaking to him any more. i had hurt him, i know i did. i would not forgive myself.

to punish myself, i started things up again with a boy that i detested. a boy that had hurt me in the past because of my foolish expectations on how i should be treated but that easily changed. we had used each other before but i had shut out my feelings and acted in a way i found so backwards that i didn't like who i had became, so i stopped. i was sad and disgusted with myself, thinking that this was what i had to settle with: being with someone to use them and get used to return. i was empty and it felt like the color had drained from my heart.

he was more than always available for me and all it took was one message. i warned him from the start and said:

"there is no future between us, i do not trust you, and my heart belongs to someone else. your choice whether or not you want this or not."

he was okay with it, so i spent time with him. he was a  boy that was so focused on himself and only himself, who spent hours working out and kept me around to see every inch of my skin. i was using him in return but it did not stop me from feeling pure disgust. eventually, things suddenly began to change. his attitude did a complete 360 and he was starting to treat me differently. he became nicer and did things for me, things that surprised me but did not once make me happy. he dropped plans and came running every time i called but my callous attitude did not change and i manipulated him. i was in full control and he became my puppet.

what an evil person i was. i kept thinking: what would i want with a boy who appreciated me far too late, who was selfish, disrespectful and whose personality i was disgusted with? he had treated me like a piece of meat and now he thinks he can change? i felt awful for revelling in my revenge.

when he started to profess undying love for me, i stilled. words that are overused, yet so desperately wanted were being said to me and all i could think of was how much i did not want to hear them. not from him, not from anyone else except L. they sounded like poison pouring from his lips. i pushed him away and stopped having conversations with him. he was there only for my own selfish reasons and i punished myself by becoming someone that i hated.

my best friend was pleased. she had expressed before that did not like this boy because of how he used to treat me, but once i had drunkenly told her how i felt about her brother, she encouraged me being with him. i confessed to her that i did not like him either, but her reply to that was,

"maybe give it some time? he seems to be really sweet now."

the eagerness in her words made me feel sick. she had been the one to tell me right away that his change of heart was fake, a ploy. no matter how he acted now, i had already seen his true colors. she really did not mind if i would get hurt by this boy, as long as i stayed away from her brother.

what bullshit.

i began binge drinking. smoking weed made me cry too much, so i avoided that all together. i would wake up after another night of drowning my feelings and sit there for a very long moment, at a loss with what to do with myself. each day felt like a repeat. i missed him greatly and he never left my mind. i was indulging myself in things to fill up the empty void in me, knowing it would only make me more miserable knowing that fact.

on my lunch break at work one day, i sat by myself in the cafeteria filling up my plate with tears. a coworker that i had grown close to came by and asked me what was wrong, the first thing i had said to her was "i need some advice."and told her what was going on.

she sat with me for the duration of her lunch break and gave me words of encouragement, words that were true and i was filled up with so much bravery and excitement that as soon as my half was up, i opened up facebook and sent him a message.

many things have  changed since then but the one thing i am sure of, the one thing that makes me happy is that i am in love with him and he is in love with me. i truly have never been happier and i am so thankful of him. we spend so much time together, as much as possible and i really can't get enough.

i look forward to our future and i am glad i made the sacrifices that i did in order to be with the love of my life.