my mother

my mother and i

i remember a night a long time ago when i was small. the night had fallen around me and the cold nipped at my bones, but i was wrapped up in warm clothing and sitting in a car parked across from a patch of trees and shrubs. my sister and i were in my fathers truck among boxes and boxes of our items; two tiny bodies surrounded by towering cardboard. our family was moving out of our aunts house to a place that i cannot recall for the life of me. it is an insignificant detail considering the events that were about to take place, my memories of that night are foggy yet crystal-clear images flash in my mind. i am not curious about where we were going, not even now.

i remember looking at my mothers face as she pointed at the house, my father was in the process of climbing into the drivers seat but immediately stopped and retreated back into it. i had supposed we had forgotten something. i watched him disappear into the house and not a moment passed before i was tugged hurriedly out of my seat and we were suddenly running. my sister was on the other side of my mom and we trudged deep into that woody area near the car. i remember my moms voice, urgent yet gentle. she was murmuring encouraging things to us to get us to hurry along, our little feet scurrying on the grassy floor.

i was running through a dark forest but i wasn't scared of it. the darkness welcomed us as if blanketing us with protection, concealing us from my father. how my mother was able to run through this darkness with ease was beyond me. i don't remember what i had asked or what was said, but i do remember wondering what was going on and why? knowing my personality as a child, i probably never stopped asking questions the entire escape, but i don't remember this experience being scary at all.

the rest of the night was a blur. we found our way to a relatives and i remember hushed voices and being led somewhere far from the windows with all the lights off. everything was so quiet, so secret. the three of us were being cradled by darkness once again and these people were protecting my mother while my mother was protecting my sister and i.

i must have been so trusting of my strong and beautiful mother. the strength she displayed that night calmed all fears that rose in my little chest. she was a warrior hiding to protect something she held dear to her, something she would risk her life for and her future. this decision had no guarantee of success, not even in the future far from the looming body of my father and his booming voice that shook the walls. there was also society she had to face, one that always had hands grabbing at wallets, piercing eyes that glared at those that were not the same as them and those that would take her children away. she knew this fight would be a long one.

only now, do i fully understand what had happened that night. it made sense: the things i had witnessed as a child that should never be displayed in front of young eyes and the panic my mother had that night in our escape. she held us in her arms and fought at the same time, playing the role that should not be played by only one. i cannot imagine how long it took for her to figure out when it would be the right time to take us away, despite being empty handed with nothing to run to for safety. no safety net, no family, no money. all she had was the two of us with our hungry mouths and troublesome desires. our father had really spoiled us then took away all of her money, leaving my mom with needy children that would cry in the middle of a thrift store because our mother could not afford cheap dolls. she would end up crying with us.

eventually, eating donated food and accepting donated clothes did not matter much as it was something my sister and i grew very used to. other children often laughed at my clothes but i wore them proudly and comfortably and did not care what anyone thought. they displayed new toys and extravagant lunches that i had once felt jealous of, especially at show-and-tell. the one and only time i had stood up in front of the class for show-and-tell, i did not bring a toy or a material item that my mom bought me. i told the class about her instead, how great of a person she is. what reason did i have to be jealous? my mother shone with a light that could wipe out any evil, no matter how dark it was. this light would be something i aimed for, for the rest of my life.

my childish jealousy eventually faded as i started to understand our situation. i had a mother who studied until the light began to seep through our windows, who worked tirelessly with little pay but only worked harder and harder to meet my needs as well as my sisters. i remember babysitters that would feel insulted at the amount she could spare them to look after us and she would risk hiding us under her desk at work. we made many friends that let her hide us there, one of which i cannot bear to even think about. all i can say is that woman is the kindest woman i have ever met, one of which can compare to my mothers. she deserved much more than this world, filled with all it's evils and injustice that punish those that do not deserve punishment.


now, life is stable. there is food on our table, a roof over our heads and no evil that can pass through the gates my mother has built. she did not deserve what she went through, but in this journey she has  grown into the strongest person i have ever known. i hope to be exactly like her one day as she has taught me things that are much more important than being able to buy nice things.