jumbled.

against all logic and what i should or shouldn't be feeling, this is what i feel. these are my thoughts.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i didn't see you more, that i let life get in the way and i didn't prioritize. i was busy but i wasn't too busy for you, i didn't prioritize you and i'm so very sorry. i'm sorry you died alone, i hope you weren't scared and in pain before you did. i'm sorry i couldn't help you or make you happier before you went. i hope your heart wasn't full of malice and loneliness and pain and i wish i could have done something. i wanted you to be happy. i should have swallowed my pride after the sting of your words cut me, i should have thought to myself that i am young, i will get over it. you are old, you will leave soon.

i'm sorry for being so selfish. there were moments you gave all you could in order to provide for us, even if it wasn't much to you. it meant everything to me, seeing you give so much and get so little in return, just to see the smiles on our faces. even if you didn't know how to care for children, you were just so happy.

i remember the nights you would take us out past our bedtime and get us slurpees. or dairy queen. or something that was a complete waste of money but our smiles were worth it to you.

and i'm sorry i couldn't pay you back for the love you gave us. i love you very much. i really do. i wish i had shown it fully, i wish i didn't let mothers words cloud my judgment. if i had followed what i felt inside, i would have spoken to you. i would have visited you. i knew you were sorry for the things you said, but you were scared. you probably thought we would never forgive you. i'm sorry you died with regret. i hope you didn't.

i wish i knew how you felt, i can only guess. i can only make theories and hope to god you went full of peace. i'm just so sorry. my heart is broken and hurting and i still feel like you're here, that i can just amend my mistakes and see you and say i'm sorry, to undo what i haven't done. but it's too late and you're gone and you were gone for so long and nobody had noticed.

i feel so sad that my sister and i are the only ones mourning you. but maybe that is enough for you? that the ones you loved are the ones that are mourning you. i'm sorry mom is so insensitive about everything, i know that if she had died instead that you would have been so very sad. you would have grieved. you wouldn't of held any malice towards her, despite the fact that to you, she is the one that took your children away from you. she hurt you, you hurt her.

but now you are gone and i never had a chance to hug you one last time and say goodbye. i am full of regret and i always will be, i know you wouldn't want me to. i will always miss you, i will always be sorry.

i wish i could write everything i am feeling. but there is just so much. right now it feels like i am weightless and breathless and god, i miss you daddy.

i am so very sorry. i love you. i wish you could meet my little one that is growing inside me right now, you would have loved him or her very much. i hope you are going to be watching and that you will see him or her wherever you are.

i'm so broken.

started my baby journal today

i went and bought a book with the last of my money this month, it is black with a gold pattern in the centre of it. i bought it for how simple it looked, the thickness, the paper. i wanted something that would last.

i wrote my first entry today, writing a whole bunch of random love-laced words to our baby and explaining parts of who i am to him or her. i know he/she will probably know all these things by the time he/she is older, but i want him/her (i keep accidently writing 'her' or 'she' and having to fix it, i won't know the gender for another eight months! such a strange thing to assume the gender at this point already) to know that i have loved him/her from day one. there was never a single doubt in my heart or in my mind, i was never afraid.

i will give it to him/her when 18 years have passed. the age that i have conceived. i wonder about how different life will be in 18 years. what society will be like, the way people decide to dress, whether or not organic food will be more available and cheaper than conventional food. i wonder about our child, his/her personality and what he/she will be doing right now with his/her life. it's getting a bit tiring to write the genders down like this.

november 29th - i started my letter journal. i am officially 6 weeks pregnant. symptoms: sore boobs, fatigue, nausea at times, hunger, sensitive smell.

this is all real and so beautiful.

need to rant, need to rant.

if you want something, work your ass off for it. do not complain when others do not allow things to fall into your hands - it is not their responsibility to give you what you want/need. it is no one's responsibility but yours.

welfare is not supposed to be used for situations like this, it is supposed to be used for those that really do need it. i am paying taxes in order to support laziness? it bothers me when i see people like myself and those around me that are selling our lives in order to earn our living, then seeing you complain about such a small christmas bonus that they did not even need to give you at all. seeing you complain about how they don't give you enough to really live - well then get a job! earn your life! it is not their job to make your life pleasant and easy, they are there to make it bearable until you find work!

it wouldn't be so bad if you were grateful for what other have been doing for you, what others don't need to do for you. but constantly complaining... that is the thing that bothers me the most.

just a mini rant, i needed to get this out.

sweet b

i am so happy to have discovered five days ago that you are real. that this entire time that i have been filled of wonderings of you but expecting not to meet you for years and years and years, and here you are. this beautiful feeling has blossomed in me and every little sign that shows you are real excites me to no end.

i am planning to log my pregnancy like this, to remember this beautiful feeling always.

november 22, 2012
woke up for work and remembered to test, because my aunt and mom told me to. they told me they think i am, that my weight gain and off and on UTI was a symptom all in itself. i expected another disappointing pregnancy test, like the others i have taken and secretly (but not a secret to lindsay) was so disappointed at the negative result. i remember placing the test onto the ground to finish my 'business' and when i checked again, i swore my heart stopped beating. i frantically got up and waited for the conception indicator, staring dumbly at the words "pregnant" until it finally showed up. "2-3 weeks" it said, and i remember whispering to myself, "oh my god."

i went into our bedroom and asked to turn on the light, immediately shoving the test at his face. watching his dumbfound expression made me laugh, as it mimicked mine. we laid in our bed and stared at it in utter shock, he was worried how i felt about it and constantly asked me if i was okay.

i wore the happiest grin all day.

i got a confirmed positive test from my doctor the next day and broke the news to my mom. i worried that my age would cause her to worry, to be disappointed in me. the smile and hug i received shocked me and i remember thinking, "this is perfect."

she immediately wanted to have a dinner to break the news to our family friends and the rest of our family, but i guess she could not contain her excitement and told the majority of the guests.

i am very happy to have such a supportive family.

symptoms i have had:
- a 'period' on the 18th that wasn't a period. on and off period that started and stopped constantly and was darker than usual. i thought nothing of it.
- tender nipples all month. also thought nothing of it.
- cramping a week before my period was supposed to come. thought nothing of it because my family said it was normal.
- ferocious appetite. also thought nothing of it as my appetite changed throughout the month usually. but one thing that i found unbelievable was eating 18 pieces of sushi in one sitting.

upon finding out:
- sensitive smell
- sensations in my abdomen
- cramping
- low backache
- fatigue


each and every symptom i encounter only makes me so excited that i have to force myself not to think about it. i cannot wait to meet the life that grows inside me, i cannot wait to experience this even more and to birth my baby naturally. i can face the judgement, it is insignificant.

life has fallen into place so beautifully. the interesting thing is that i moved in with lindsay without knowing i was pregnant, that the day i told my mom there was a bunch of baby clothes at her work that were donated. i was allowed to pick out whatever i wanted. my uncle knew i was pregnant before anyone just looking at me, my aunt suspected it because of my weird 'period', my sister kept telling me i was pregnant when i complained about cramping or nausea.

this post is so everywhere and it's because i have so much to say and i wanted to remember it all, but  the point is that i am too excited for this. i find that now that i'm here, i am ready. i tried to convince myself this entire time that i wasn't, i couldn't be. that i'm too young to be ready. but here i am with lindsay, and i am ready.

thoughts

i am patiently waiting for lindsay to come home with yogurt smeared all over my face (goofy but beneficial) and i'm thinking about the past week that i've been here.

it's truly been amazing. at first, i had thought i would be severely 'home sick' and miss my family and all their quirks. i have been missing them, of course, but it hasn't been heart-wrenching like i expected. i suppose i have been more ready for this than i thought. the positive energy that flows through the walls of this home is almost overwhelming. i am not looked down upon, i am supported, i am loved.

there are ups and downs but i feel like i can get through anything with him. i can withstand the negative words, the knowledge that words spoken behind my back are ugly and the troubles that have and will approach - i find that i just don't care. it's a waste of energy to worry about something as feeble as my reputation, to worry about someone that is far from selfless. what matters in my life is my focus and that is him. it is my family. it is myself. the self respect that has grown within me has given me so much power and i am a different person. i feel new and comfortable in this new skin, unafraid.

a contributing factor is because of my decision to move in with him, despite the doubts surrounding it. he has filled my life with something so great and so rich, something that couldn't be filled with our previous living arrangements. it used to feel like the only time i felt so satisfied and at peace was on the weekends. the rest of the week dragged on and felt like the color had been drained from it.

now, i am slowly building my self-confidence back up that was shattered by someone very important to me. it's going to take time and there are moments where i look at myself in the mirror and i feel disgusted, but i've noticed those moments are slowly shortening in length and are occurring less frequently. a sense of responsibility has blossomed in me, instead of the feeling that i am sheltered all the time. i feel responsible for the well-being of this home. i'm responsible for how well i feed myself. i am always happy and i love seeing him everyday. the one thing i need more of is sleep, but it's hard not to stay awake and talk to him about his day and snuggle close to him. i feel like the lack of sleep is worth it, but i know it will take its toll on me soon.

whatever hardships we encounter, the most important thing is that we will encounter them. not him, not i. but we. 

today, i move in with lindsay and away from a place i used to call home. like moving from one world to another. 

i am used to being the last to wake, even at 6 o'clock in the morning. i open my bedroom door and warm light spills everywhere and i am  greeted by the sound of my family and the smell of something cooking. my kitten, who i will miss very much and have decided to leave to my sister, rubs herself against my leg all the while purring. i spend an hour talking to them and eating breakfast slowly, feeling energy fuel me for my day.

i will miss moments like these but i am ready for this next stage of my life. things will be very different and im hoping, wont be made to be too difficult.  

i wonder about this new life i am about to live. 

because posting on facebook is often taken far too personally

people reveal their darkest and ugliest colors when they're experiencing great difficulty. i've seen many colors and some have been horrible and terrifying to witness, before they are hidden again. but like seeing a monster, you cannot forget it's face no matter how hard you try. no matter how many beautiful masks it wears, you will always see it.

dear k,
i'd rather write this where you will never see it, as i have tried again and again to communicate my feelings towards you and have always been turned away. are you afraid of hearing the truth you very well know? the message where i finally poured it all out was completely ignored has been a huge disappointment. i am disappointed of your cowardice. your selfishness. your ignorance.

i remember there was once a time where you were almost blood to me. i ignored everything about you that bothered me, because like family, those minor things didn't matter. i cared about you so greatly that i sacrificed my own feelings many times, made sure you were fed when you were starving, had a place for you to sleep when things became too rough for you. i ignored the voices that told me you were not a good friend to me and that you likely have stolen a few of my possessions under my nose, but i do not hold possessions so highly so it was easy to let go. that was a mistake, because while it was just material items you took, it was your values that i should have noticed. you will deny to this day that you have taken anything and explain how you are a decent person, but i know you better than that. i have seen it.

as i developed and grew, i felt repressed by you. my opinions were stepped on. my wants and voice, unheard. i grew into this strong person and i longed to stretch my wings but you were confining me by your own wants and needs. i felt uncomfortable. i watched your voice lash out and whip at those you felt were beneath you and i feared ever being subjected to that. i never understood why you were so defensive about everything.

i saw the way you treated your brother, my lover. i felt rage boil in me and my resentment turn darker the more you felt you had a right to treat him in such a way. if not for him, where would you be? my growing distaste for your personality made things a bit worse, my opinion of you was no longer high. i lost respect for you and eventually, lost much of the care i once had for you. i saw your laziness and your complete selfishness. your subconscious idea that the world revolved around you sickened me.

with my newfound and amazing love, i became stronger and stronger and my self-respect grew. i no longer tolerated your 'shit,' so to speak. this caused great turmoil, because everything i had wanted to say in the past but held in, was out. i made sure it was known that i had a voice after all. it was obvious you did not like this and blamed my relationship for my distance and while you are wrong about it, you are also right.

lindsay has given me strength. he has filled me up with warmth and given me so much purpose in life, i feel like i deserve much more than what i had before. that includes the friendships that were poisonous.

you.

i appreciate what you have done for me. you weren't always a bad friend, there was a lot of good too. you stood by me during a very hard time in my life when everyone else turned their backs. when i wouldn't listen to you, you did not give up on me. i appreciate it all very much and always will. there were times we laughed and cried together and spent a lot of time sitting at my kitchen table just talking for hours. i will miss those times and sometimes i wish you didn't taint it, but at least i know you now. i truly know you.

friendship is a choice. the deeper you go and the more you learn, you have a choice each day whether or not to stick around.

Port over the last few months.

slaves to society.

threads thick as wire tug at my limbs and compel them to move, my soul is fighting against the chains and i force it still. the repetitive life i am told i must live, selling my life away in order to gain... life? i see my mothers eyes fill with pride as mine fill with wonderings, about a life that is different. i see my hands in the dirt and baskets full of the product of real labour. i see light pouring through wide windows, that reveal only mountains and trees and true beauty. i see a child in my arms, making soft little nothings in my ear that mean absolutely everything. i see his smile, his hand grasping mine, the love in his eyes and him rubbing his nose against our little one. i see my family, unused to a life like this, marvelling at what he and i have dreamt and built together. i see life.

for now, i calm the being in me that is straining against the wires and chains, telling her, 'hush, it will come some day.' i lay out my dream in front of me, watching it with a heart full of joy and excitement.

it will come some day.

freewriting - brainstorm.

Where was she before all this started? Her hands shakily clutch at her head in a desperate attempt to remember, to hold onto something happy and distract her from the chaos. She was in the arms of her beloved, sipping hot cocoa and not-watching something on the television. A warning flashed on the screen, she looked into his eyes and felt she mirrored the same look of worry that she saw in his. That's the last thing she remembers.

Lowering her hands, she forces herself to look at the surrounding destruction. Violent tornadoes are crushing the city of New York. Towering pillars of wind and debris crush the stone-hard cement as if they are eggshells, tall buildings crumble mercilessly on top of fleeing people, glass sprinkling everywhere. Water overflows from the sewers and floods the streets, a sea of foul waste and flailing carcasses. Alestia watches alone atop a building, her body racking with wild, panicked sobs. Her shirt is soaked with vomit and her entire body smells of pure fear. Her hands are clasped together in prayer, muttering incoherently into them. She makes the mistake of opening her eyes as a tornado consumes another building, stripping it layer by layer until it is nothing.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Her eyes are wide with fear as it begins to approach her, she has nowhere to run. As it edges closer and closer to her, she feels the winds pull and the rooftop rattling beneath her feet. Her hair whips around her face, violently dancing towards the massive air cyclone...

my brain gewp.

i used to write to escape reality.

it was the one place i could disappear to at any time. as lonely as it sounds, it was sometimes easier to let my laptop or a piece of paper soak up all of my tear-sodden words. i didn't crave the comfort of a human being, i didn't crave a hug or empty, reassuring words. i preferred the bite of reality, the cold slap. i liked my pain to be real and not hushed by someone telling me it was going to be okay when nothing ever was. it was an odd sort of comfort, i suppose.

i somehow transformed these waves of misery into poetry or stories. they were always about a girl who falls in love only to be hurt quite badly. the majority of them, anyway. not that i had been in love that many times, but i associated that hurt feeling with a lot of things. friends that betrayed me, growing distant from someone out of the blue. those types of things. i had no idea what love really felt like at that point in my life, after all.(i always assumed it was a very painful thing.)
sometimes i wrote about my father and what i remember about my childhood. sometimes i wrote about my past disgust for myself. i wrote about a lot of painful things, but it always gave me relief.

these days, i open up a blank document and stare at it after typing a few sentences. the only thing i have been able to write is this post right here. i have been (ever so slowly) working on the last part of my short story, but the inspiration comes in short bursts and i have to type frantically until it fades away. it's becoming a long process, to say the least.

i want to join nanowrimo and write a short story next month, but this lack of inspiration and creativity has stunted me. i want to write so many things but i can never find the words.

lindsay.

he is all i want to write about. i try to see if i can write something that isn't him, a completely different concept or idea, and i come up with stories but he is in all of them. his hat. his cat, Tzar. gelato from our first date. so many things. i find myself getting lost in lame-o plot lines because all i want to write about is him and i don't feel strongly for anything else i come up with.
anytime i become upset, i don't open up a blank document and type it all away, i tell him. everything that i want to say, i say to him. even if i can't word it properly because sometimes i feel like i just can't communicate with my mouth that well, i say it.

he has filled my reality with so much joy and excitement that there is no reason for me to escape. i understand writing isn't always a form of escape and it's a way of expressing creativity, but it wasn't like that for me in the past.

i guess it's a bit sad that this post is the only thing i have been able to consistently write in awhile, but i don't find it sad at all. it's actually a very happy thing.

I want to do something.

The last two-three years were the hardest times of my life.

Not because I couldn't handle what was happening to me, but because I could not get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I tried and tried again, only to fall into the same torturous cycle. I had to wait until something horrid happened, until he did something so awful and painful that I would not allow myself to go back.

And it happened, finally. I was finally free. He tried to capture me again but I ran. I allowed his words to seep into my mind and wash over me, allowed his own words to set me free.

'All my friends think I am dating a whore.'

'You're a fucking slut.'

'I am so embarrassed.'

'I wish I had fucked all those girls and had never met you.'

Things like that. All because I had protected my best friend from a scum bag. It looked like I was flirting apparently. We were all drunk, but he was drugged up beyond belief. I am relieved that his crazed mind was so unable to interpret anything real, it set me free.

...

I lost a lot of friends. They slowly, one by one, gave up on me. I was hopeless and they knew it. They thought I wasn't listening to them when I kept going back, they no longer wanted to support someone so pathetic.

It saddens me to this day, but at the same time I know real friends would have never tried to control me and get angry at me for 'disobeying' them. I understood the concern, but I know if I had cared for someone, I would have never left them alone. I also understand that they stopped wanting to hang out with me because he clung to my limbs wherever I went. He scared them. But... if a friend of mine was alone all the time with such a scary person, I would still not leave her alone. Sometimes I cannot fathom their mindset. I stopped going to them whenever they asked to hang out. Judgmental people piss me off. A lot.

Other friends of mine I had known forever seemed to shrug off what he did to me and continued to try and be friends with him. Despite the sprained arm, despite the terrible words, despite... everything. Sometimes I am angry at them. I am hurt for their lack of concern. Because I would have done something if it were them.

However, I gained more than what I lost. I found out where my true support was. My family and one friend of mine that had been with me to the end. She and I aren't so close anymore, but I do appreciate what she had done for me.

She's heard me cry multiple times. She never gave up on me even when I kept falling for his sugar-coated words. She was definitely disappointed that I did, but it was almost astonishing that she still sat by me and didn't judge me for any of my decisions. She understood what I was going through.

And now that I am finally free, I am stronger. I feel like I am looking at life through different eyes. I have found someone so utterly amazing and he has saved my soul. He picked me up and dusted me off and planted a kiss on every bit of me, sealing every open wound. All that's left are scars that I think about sometimes. Not because I miss that demon, or because I am still profoundly hurt by what he did. But because I am looking at all the things on the side. I am looking at the friends that disappeared into the fog when I was in most need of them, I am looking at the friends that stayed by me throughout the entire thing. I felt alone, but I wasn't completely. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I truly was alone. I am looking at every single thing I have gained.

I gained an understanding. An understanding of people, of life, of pain and of happiness. I gained strength that nobody is born with and I am able to use it every single day of my life. I have stopped being a pushover, I have stopped allowing people to step all over me. I have learned to recognize what caring truly is.

So, I guess all in all. I have gained much more than what I have 'lost.' If I think about it, I didn't lose a single thing.

I can’t write, I can’t write, I can’t write.

My mind is filled with a damp fog these days. The kind of fog that you reach into and watch as your hand disappears right in front of you. I can’t sweep it away or tuck it in my pocket, it is hovering like a raincloud and it is consuming me.

What I want to write about is how beautiful he is. I want to describe it in as many ways as I possibly can but I can’t find the words. My head aches from searching for the correct way to describe him but it doesn’t seem to be possible. I want to describe, in perfect detail, his smile. I want to describe the feeling that spreads throughout my entire being when I see it, when I hear the melody of his laugh, when I press my lips to his. It’s almost numbing, how much I feel.

What I want to write about is what Sunday mornings are like when the light touches my exposed eyelids and shakes my eyes open. I realize he is too far away and I bring my body closer, enveloping myself in his warmth and scent. I look up at his slumbering face and notice how much fatigue I can see and quietly, slowly, give him a kiss. It always surprises me when he kisses me back every time.

What I want to write about is impossible to describe to anyone. The fog is seeping into my brain again when I try and I can’t, for the life of me, explain it. Not even to myself.
 And here I go again – getting lost. There is no beginning, middle, or end. It is infinite and feels unreal but it truly is. I just can’t write it all down.

Tell me, how would you describe a tickle - without calling it a tickle?

silence is better than bullshit

i suppose it's a bit confusing.

you whine and bitch about how i never spoke to you during those weeks - when you, yourself, have not either. you tell me that i have put so many things before our friendship and that i am not putting in any effort - why the fuck should i? when you are the one who started to ignore my messages, when you are the one who is always only thinking of yourself. you blow up issues mercilessly, issues that should not even be in existence. there are so many things that i have grown to detest you for.

i suppose i'm a bit confused because here you are, pointing your finger at me and accusing me of things that are not true - then you seem to forget about your words of what 'friendship' is and fail to message me as you said you would. it's been two days. you spout accusations and put words in my mouth and TELL me what i'm thinking and TELL me how i'm contradicting myself and TELL me what my priorities are. who are you? explaining anything to you is pointless - you have your own view of my words, my actions, my anything. your grip to that idea is very tight and what's the point of trying to loosen a hold that should not even be there?

what the actual fuck?

i can say, with ease, that i do not care about the direction this friendship goes - up or down, it does not matter. i want people in my life that won't bring me down, that i can be myself around, that won't take me for granted. i want people in my life that don't care only for themselves.

i have grown to be very forgiving and easy going - but i am not sure if it is even possible with you. i am not sorry.

i am ranting because i do not want to fill anyones ears up with these terrible words, i don't want to say this to the person in question because no good will come of it. my lack of action, i guess, speaks for itself.

recent things in a nutshell.

clearest water.

lately, things have been so positive in my life.

i finally figured out what i wanted to do with my career - and it feels amazing. i know what school i'm going to, how much money i will need to save per month in order to avoid taking out a loan and what i would /ideally/ like to do afterwards. becoming a hollistic nutritionist is going to be an amazing experience in itself.

what truly is amazing about it is that this passion in me was awakened because i had fallen in love with the most wonderful person i will ever know. i wanted to better myself as much as i possibly could and focus on the inside, starting with health. when i started to focus on living a healthy lifestyle, i realized just how much time i spent a day researching as much as i could on my own. i started seeing a naturopath and the things i learned fascinated me. i get stuck in the health section of book stores, unable to decide which one to purchase because i want them all. ultimately, it all started because i wanted to have the healthiest possible body for our children. i wanted to give them as much as i could right from the get-go, i wanted our babies to be happy and healthy and grow up much better than i had.

it's the most amazing thing to have someone affect my entire life that way. old passions were rekindled and new ones were born and i just have so much appreciation and love for him that i can't help but be thankful.

x

another thing that i am pleased about is reuniting with old friends that i had fallen out of touch with. we have been seeing each other more frequently now and i even spent a day with them at lynn canyon, sitting on sun-warmed rocks and wading through ice cold water. we walked across a very scary bridge but it was just a very relaxing and happy day.

more pics from that day:

sister dipping her hair in the water.

they are addicted to death sticks.

us four. :)

there are lots of other things i am very happy about; my family, becoming a stronger person in general, figuring out financial things, etc. i am learning to stand up for myself now, even towards people i once feared and it feels really amazing. i refuse to take shit from anyone - not even someone i once considered myself being very close to.

a lot of these things are a result of having him in my life. love does amazing things, doesn't it?

the newest photos pt. 1

bye baby bunting.

sometimes i think about my dad. i think about everything; the way his voice sounded when it screamed or hissed insults, the way his eyes looked when he told my sister and i that he loved us. i think about all the painful things, i think of all the happy things. during my childhood i had been blind to what was really happening, but the thing that i understood the most was the love my dad had for my sister and i. while the love may have been more of a possessive love, it was still real love in other ways. there were so many times my dad would go out of his way just to see us smile, just to see us happy. he taught us so many things and was the reason we had so many interesting experiences.
sometimes i miss the nature of my childhood, where i wasn't caged in by the tall buildings of the city and cool cement. i miss fishing and spending hours outside in the sun, my skin was always sun-kissed and my hair had started to turn blonde from it. i remember enjoying the feeling of grass beneath my feet, making up games in bushes with my sister and catching grasshoppers. i miss learning how to tie a  fly, casting it out into the lake and learning patience and how to be still and quiet. i remember my few moments of impatience, watching a fish follow my bait to the shore as i was reeling it in and how excited i was that i got to see it alive. i remember hiking up the mountain following train tracks with him, exploring a place that wasn't run down by city life. i remember the smell of hunting and sometimes, when i'm out and about, that smell hits me and i feel a pang of nostalgia. i remember the road trips and falling asleep in the back seat to the sound of my father singing to us, the lullaby that i still remember so clearly in my head. i can still hear his voice.

i really do miss my childhood, but knowing what i know now, it's a very good thing that we are no longer a part of that. things are better now, but i miss what it felt like to be truly alive and carefree.