thoughts

i am patiently waiting for lindsay to come home with yogurt smeared all over my face (goofy but beneficial) and i'm thinking about the past week that i've been here.

it's truly been amazing. at first, i had thought i would be severely 'home sick' and miss my family and all their quirks. i have been missing them, of course, but it hasn't been heart-wrenching like i expected. i suppose i have been more ready for this than i thought. the positive energy that flows through the walls of this home is almost overwhelming. i am not looked down upon, i am supported, i am loved.

there are ups and downs but i feel like i can get through anything with him. i can withstand the negative words, the knowledge that words spoken behind my back are ugly and the troubles that have and will approach - i find that i just don't care. it's a waste of energy to worry about something as feeble as my reputation, to worry about someone that is far from selfless. what matters in my life is my focus and that is him. it is my family. it is myself. the self respect that has grown within me has given me so much power and i am a different person. i feel new and comfortable in this new skin, unafraid.

a contributing factor is because of my decision to move in with him, despite the doubts surrounding it. he has filled my life with something so great and so rich, something that couldn't be filled with our previous living arrangements. it used to feel like the only time i felt so satisfied and at peace was on the weekends. the rest of the week dragged on and felt like the color had been drained from it.

now, i am slowly building my self-confidence back up that was shattered by someone very important to me. it's going to take time and there are moments where i look at myself in the mirror and i feel disgusted, but i've noticed those moments are slowly shortening in length and are occurring less frequently. a sense of responsibility has blossomed in me, instead of the feeling that i am sheltered all the time. i feel responsible for the well-being of this home. i'm responsible for how well i feed myself. i am always happy and i love seeing him everyday. the one thing i need more of is sleep, but it's hard not to stay awake and talk to him about his day and snuggle close to him. i feel like the lack of sleep is worth it, but i know it will take its toll on me soon.

whatever hardships we encounter, the most important thing is that we will encounter them. not him, not i. but we.