people reveal their darkest and ugliest colors when they're experiencing great difficulty. i've seen many colors and some have been horrible and terrifying to witness, before they are hidden again. but like seeing a monster, you cannot forget it's face no matter how hard you try. no matter how many beautiful masks it wears, you will always see it.
dear k,
i'd rather write this where you will never see it, as i have tried again and again to communicate my feelings towards you and have always been turned away. are you afraid of hearing the truth you very well know? the message where i finally poured it all out was completely ignored has been a huge disappointment. i am disappointed of your cowardice. your selfishness. your ignorance.
i remember there was once a time where you were almost blood to me. i ignored everything about you that bothered me, because like family, those minor things didn't matter. i cared about you so greatly that i sacrificed my own feelings many times, made sure you were fed when you were starving, had a place for you to sleep when things became too rough for you. i ignored the voices that told me you were not a good friend to me and that you likely have stolen a few of my possessions under my nose, but i do not hold possessions so highly so it was easy to let go. that was a mistake, because while it was just material items you took, it was your values that i should have noticed. you will deny to this day that you have taken anything and explain how you are a decent person, but i know you better than that. i have seen it.
as i developed and grew, i felt repressed by you. my opinions were stepped on. my wants and voice, unheard. i grew into this strong person and i longed to stretch my wings but you were confining me by your own wants and needs. i felt uncomfortable. i watched your voice lash out and whip at those you felt were beneath you and i feared ever being subjected to that. i never understood why you were so defensive about everything.
i saw the way you treated your brother, my lover. i felt rage boil in me and my resentment turn darker the more you felt you had a right to treat him in such a way. if not for him, where would you be? my growing distaste for your personality made things a bit worse, my opinion of you was no longer high. i lost respect for you and eventually, lost much of the care i once had for you. i saw your laziness and your complete selfishness. your subconscious idea that the world revolved around you sickened me.
with my newfound and amazing love, i became stronger and stronger and my self-respect grew. i no longer tolerated your 'shit,' so to speak. this caused great turmoil, because everything i had wanted to say in the past but held in, was out. i made sure it was known that i had a voice after all. it was obvious you did not like this and blamed my relationship for my distance and while you are wrong about it, you are also right.
lindsay has given me strength. he has filled me up with warmth and given me so much purpose in life, i feel like i deserve much more than what i had before. that includes the friendships that were poisonous.
you.
i appreciate what you have done for me. you weren't always a bad friend, there was a lot of good too. you stood by me during a very hard time in my life when everyone else turned their backs. when i wouldn't listen to you, you did not give up on me. i appreciate it all very much and always will. there were times we laughed and cried together and spent a lot of time sitting at my kitchen table just talking for hours. i will miss those times and sometimes i wish you didn't taint it, but at least i know you now. i truly know you.
friendship is a choice. the deeper you go and the more you learn, you have a choice each day whether or not to stick around.
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