sweet b

i am so happy to have discovered five days ago that you are real. that this entire time that i have been filled of wonderings of you but expecting not to meet you for years and years and years, and here you are. this beautiful feeling has blossomed in me and every little sign that shows you are real excites me to no end.

i am planning to log my pregnancy like this, to remember this beautiful feeling always.

november 22, 2012
woke up for work and remembered to test, because my aunt and mom told me to. they told me they think i am, that my weight gain and off and on UTI was a symptom all in itself. i expected another disappointing pregnancy test, like the others i have taken and secretly (but not a secret to lindsay) was so disappointed at the negative result. i remember placing the test onto the ground to finish my 'business' and when i checked again, i swore my heart stopped beating. i frantically got up and waited for the conception indicator, staring dumbly at the words "pregnant" until it finally showed up. "2-3 weeks" it said, and i remember whispering to myself, "oh my god."

i went into our bedroom and asked to turn on the light, immediately shoving the test at his face. watching his dumbfound expression made me laugh, as it mimicked mine. we laid in our bed and stared at it in utter shock, he was worried how i felt about it and constantly asked me if i was okay.

i wore the happiest grin all day.

i got a confirmed positive test from my doctor the next day and broke the news to my mom. i worried that my age would cause her to worry, to be disappointed in me. the smile and hug i received shocked me and i remember thinking, "this is perfect."

she immediately wanted to have a dinner to break the news to our family friends and the rest of our family, but i guess she could not contain her excitement and told the majority of the guests.

i am very happy to have such a supportive family.

symptoms i have had:
- a 'period' on the 18th that wasn't a period. on and off period that started and stopped constantly and was darker than usual. i thought nothing of it.
- tender nipples all month. also thought nothing of it.
- cramping a week before my period was supposed to come. thought nothing of it because my family said it was normal.
- ferocious appetite. also thought nothing of it as my appetite changed throughout the month usually. but one thing that i found unbelievable was eating 18 pieces of sushi in one sitting.

upon finding out:
- sensitive smell
- sensations in my abdomen
- cramping
- low backache
- fatigue


each and every symptom i encounter only makes me so excited that i have to force myself not to think about it. i cannot wait to meet the life that grows inside me, i cannot wait to experience this even more and to birth my baby naturally. i can face the judgement, it is insignificant.

life has fallen into place so beautifully. the interesting thing is that i moved in with lindsay without knowing i was pregnant, that the day i told my mom there was a bunch of baby clothes at her work that were donated. i was allowed to pick out whatever i wanted. my uncle knew i was pregnant before anyone just looking at me, my aunt suspected it because of my weird 'period', my sister kept telling me i was pregnant when i complained about cramping or nausea.

this post is so everywhere and it's because i have so much to say and i wanted to remember it all, but  the point is that i am too excited for this. i find that now that i'm here, i am ready. i tried to convince myself this entire time that i wasn't, i couldn't be. that i'm too young to be ready. but here i am with lindsay, and i am ready.