silence is better than bullshit

i suppose it's a bit confusing.

you whine and bitch about how i never spoke to you during those weeks - when you, yourself, have not either. you tell me that i have put so many things before our friendship and that i am not putting in any effort - why the fuck should i? when you are the one who started to ignore my messages, when you are the one who is always only thinking of yourself. you blow up issues mercilessly, issues that should not even be in existence. there are so many things that i have grown to detest you for.

i suppose i'm a bit confused because here you are, pointing your finger at me and accusing me of things that are not true - then you seem to forget about your words of what 'friendship' is and fail to message me as you said you would. it's been two days. you spout accusations and put words in my mouth and TELL me what i'm thinking and TELL me how i'm contradicting myself and TELL me what my priorities are. who are you? explaining anything to you is pointless - you have your own view of my words, my actions, my anything. your grip to that idea is very tight and what's the point of trying to loosen a hold that should not even be there?

what the actual fuck?

i can say, with ease, that i do not care about the direction this friendship goes - up or down, it does not matter. i want people in my life that won't bring me down, that i can be myself around, that won't take me for granted. i want people in my life that don't care only for themselves.

i have grown to be very forgiving and easy going - but i am not sure if it is even possible with you. i am not sorry.

i am ranting because i do not want to fill anyones ears up with these terrible words, i don't want to say this to the person in question because no good will come of it. my lack of action, i guess, speaks for itself.

recent things in a nutshell.

clearest water.

lately, things have been so positive in my life.

i finally figured out what i wanted to do with my career - and it feels amazing. i know what school i'm going to, how much money i will need to save per month in order to avoid taking out a loan and what i would /ideally/ like to do afterwards. becoming a hollistic nutritionist is going to be an amazing experience in itself.

what truly is amazing about it is that this passion in me was awakened because i had fallen in love with the most wonderful person i will ever know. i wanted to better myself as much as i possibly could and focus on the inside, starting with health. when i started to focus on living a healthy lifestyle, i realized just how much time i spent a day researching as much as i could on my own. i started seeing a naturopath and the things i learned fascinated me. i get stuck in the health section of book stores, unable to decide which one to purchase because i want them all. ultimately, it all started because i wanted to have the healthiest possible body for our children. i wanted to give them as much as i could right from the get-go, i wanted our babies to be happy and healthy and grow up much better than i had.

it's the most amazing thing to have someone affect my entire life that way. old passions were rekindled and new ones were born and i just have so much appreciation and love for him that i can't help but be thankful.

x

another thing that i am pleased about is reuniting with old friends that i had fallen out of touch with. we have been seeing each other more frequently now and i even spent a day with them at lynn canyon, sitting on sun-warmed rocks and wading through ice cold water. we walked across a very scary bridge but it was just a very relaxing and happy day.

more pics from that day:

sister dipping her hair in the water.

they are addicted to death sticks.

us four. :)

there are lots of other things i am very happy about; my family, becoming a stronger person in general, figuring out financial things, etc. i am learning to stand up for myself now, even towards people i once feared and it feels really amazing. i refuse to take shit from anyone - not even someone i once considered myself being very close to.

a lot of these things are a result of having him in my life. love does amazing things, doesn't it?

the newest photos pt. 1

bye baby bunting.

sometimes i think about my dad. i think about everything; the way his voice sounded when it screamed or hissed insults, the way his eyes looked when he told my sister and i that he loved us. i think about all the painful things, i think of all the happy things. during my childhood i had been blind to what was really happening, but the thing that i understood the most was the love my dad had for my sister and i. while the love may have been more of a possessive love, it was still real love in other ways. there were so many times my dad would go out of his way just to see us smile, just to see us happy. he taught us so many things and was the reason we had so many interesting experiences.
sometimes i miss the nature of my childhood, where i wasn't caged in by the tall buildings of the city and cool cement. i miss fishing and spending hours outside in the sun, my skin was always sun-kissed and my hair had started to turn blonde from it. i remember enjoying the feeling of grass beneath my feet, making up games in bushes with my sister and catching grasshoppers. i miss learning how to tie a  fly, casting it out into the lake and learning patience and how to be still and quiet. i remember my few moments of impatience, watching a fish follow my bait to the shore as i was reeling it in and how excited i was that i got to see it alive. i remember hiking up the mountain following train tracks with him, exploring a place that wasn't run down by city life. i remember the smell of hunting and sometimes, when i'm out and about, that smell hits me and i feel a pang of nostalgia. i remember the road trips and falling asleep in the back seat to the sound of my father singing to us, the lullaby that i still remember so clearly in my head. i can still hear his voice.

i really do miss my childhood, but knowing what i know now, it's a very good thing that we are no longer a part of that. things are better now, but i miss what it felt like to be truly alive and carefree.

when i'm reading a really good book, i find that i start typing in the style the book was written. it's weird and i don't know why i do it, but i am doing it right now. it gradually fades away, but if the book is still fresh in my mind, it starts to pour out of my body through my fingertips. i end up mixing in my own writing style with how the book is and sometimes i think it makes me grow as a writer when i do this. i find things, i lose things, etc etc etc. i once wanted to be a writer, but ideas i always had got too boring for me to keep up with. the original plot would stray and i would get lost in it.

currently i'm reading 'the perks of being a wallflower' and i have always wanted to read it, but just now finally had the opportunity. i'm picky about buying things and i hate borrowing library books sometimes. i fall in love with books and once i do that, i don't return them. i owe the public library closest to my house quite a bit of money..

that aside, i don't know where i was going with this. just that i wanted to write something that wasn't so tragic. i'm still struggling with finding happy things to write about - it seems the stronger my sadness is, the more and more i write. that is because when i am happy, i decide to do other things.

i am also currently deciding on whether or not to becoming a holistic nutritionist.

going through old writings, again.

seeing it as a betrayal yet it was before you met, seeing it as unequal but when in life, has everything and everyone you met been equal to you? forgiving your own faults and self-destruction but not able to forgive her mistakes that are not even mistakes
now tell me, is that equal? she has forgiven you.
she must be perfect for you to accept her. would you still love her if your perception of her completely shattered, and you think, “she has been lying to me this entire time, she has betrayed me,” when in fact you have been betraying her.
altering her own memories and experiences so that she fits you like a hand in a glove, both of you knowing that she is pretending, she is pretending for you.
she has no standards or guidelines for your past, stating what you should have done in order for her to be with you, in order for her to love you..
is the life of this love a tragedy, and the death of it bliss? 

wicked child, clutching at my limbs
why do you grin when your fangs draw blood from my skin?
is it proof that my heart, in fact, exists? is there a truth in my blood that you are searching for, somehow thinking that the truth in my words desists? i will lie, then. i will lie again and again, i will save myself from your reckless abandon and your bruising words.
i feel the parasites injecting into my blood stream and i have lost all will to escape
i am afraid of tearing out my veins, despite their fabricated shape
nothing about me is real anymore, yet i think:
what good will i be, if i am dead? what good will i be, caged and beaten into submission?
i guess i am no good at all, unless given your permission.

it's strange that i think that these words i once wrote are quite pretty, despite the pain behind them.

EF 50mm f/1.2L USM

I have already had two very large purchases. My Canon EOS 5D Mark ii, and my Samsung Galaxy S3 phone. Both of which, I am happy I got! I have always wanted that a top-notch canon camera, and I got the phone full retail price because it will save me money in the long run.

NOW, I have already decided what my next big purchase will be (although I won't be buying it for a long time, I need to slow down on the spending of large items right now) and it's that super awesome lens right up there ^ The focus and depth of field is amazing and I love what it does to backgrounds! I just want a nice lens that allows me to shoot subjects and achieve a 'full picture' look.

IN DUE TIME, MY LOVE, IN DUE TIME.

Recluse in a place that should be safe.

She is told that she is home and puts her possessions as they were before but somehow, as she is looking around her room, the color is different. There is something unfamiliar and cold about the way her walls look, she realizes. Had it always been this way, but she had just grown used to it?

Those whose blood runs the same as hers are whispering behind her back, she is finding things out later than she should and there is no room for discussion. She tries to reach her voice out, but it falls on deaf ears and is brushed off their shoulders as if it were a nuisance. She is backed up into a corner, the alien sounds of the living room remind her just how alone she is, cooped up in her empty-feeling room. There is no part of the house she feels comfortable.

Tears fall and don't go unnoticed, but silence is what comforts her. She sleeps and wakes, her body restless but her mind wide awake. There is nothing she can do but wait until the next day, where she will be thrust into society again only to come 'home' to a desolate place filled with people that should make her feel welcome and accepted. She sleeps to escape loneliness.

I'm going to live a good life.

People are always going to hurt me, they make mistakes. The risk in having people close to me is that they have power to hurt me and they will. It happens.
That being said, there is always a choice. I pick who I feel is worth hurting over, who I am willing to let myself be hurt over and who I still want to be around regardless. I have gone through this many times where friends have hurt me and I reacted in a very cold anger – I chose to think it through and ask myself, ‘is this person really worth hurting over if they hurt me in the first place?’ I decided to cut whoever hurt me over and over again out of my life, thinking that it was a good choice. But, something I’ve realized is that I am not the kind of person that holds grudges.  In order for me to stick to my guns and prove being ‘right’, I have to continuously fuel the initial anger and try and stay angry, even when the anger fades into a pain that only makes me miss the person and want to talk it over and fix things. Anger does not last long in me. There’s always a choice – being right, or continuing an important friendship that may very well be on the brinks of death. I want to live my life with no hatred latching onto my heart, no bitterness. I want to be able to forgive those that wrong me and be free of long-lasting rage.

However, this only applies to people that I actually care about, like, and feel that they are worth hurting over (even if they are not). Sometimes friendship can get sour. I find out things about a person that I never saw before, qualities that I don’t want to deal with because that kind of pain is constant – it’s the kind of pain that eventually results in being annoyance and anger, leaving me with a very low opinion of the said person. It’s sad, but it happens. It will happen again and again.

Just got to pick the people I want to deal with and pick the people that I don't want to have anything to do with. 

Kombucha tea.

Recently, when going through a forum and many different blogs related to health, I stumbled upon this tea. It is called 'Kombucha' and is literally a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast. When making it, it is left to ferment for about a week or two and feeds off sugar and caffeine. It is typically a very sweet tea, but the longer it ferments, the more it it begins to smell and taste vinegar-y. The more vinegar-y it is, the stronger and healthier it is. It must be made with a SCOBY, lots and lots of really strong green or black tea, sugar, and previously made Kombucha tea. Because SCOBY's can be quite expensive, I'm going to make my own and begin brewing tea from it as soon as it's made. Each time tea is brewed, the mother SCOBY makes a baby SCOBY and yadda yadda, more tea for everyone.

I plan on brewing this very soon! It's a long process, but because of my past digestive health issues and how many antibiotics I had taken, I want to nurse the good bacteria back to health in my body. Probiotic tablets are quite expensive to purchase, so I figured this would be a cheaper alternative.

the sky is burning