why i like cuttlefish.

i like them even more than i like giraffes. they top any shark (although sharks are pretty badass) and dolphins can go suck it. don't get me wrong, i love almost all animals out there. except for this monstrous thing:

gross.

i will list reasons for why cuttlefish are extremely awesome:
a) they are amazingly intelligent.
b) they have green blood and three hearts.
c) they are nicknamed 'the chameleon of the sea' because of their ability to change their skin color dramatically and quickly for camouflage. they also use this to communicate with each other and often what a cuttlefish is feeling is displayed on the skin. AMAZEBALLS.
d) they are adorable.
e) they 'hover.'
f) they have eyes similarly constructed to a humans, but the pupil is in the shape of a 'w.'

amazing

amazing

amazing

amazing

amazing

health report yada yada yada!

despite my usual lack of sleep, i have been feeling SUPER AMAZING FANTASTICBALLS these days. i've been taking supplements that naturally balance my hormones, improve my immune system and my overall health. it feels like my body is radiating  'FINALLY thank you thank you thank you thank you' by being extremely kind to me. i've noticed my energy levels are much higher and remain steady, my cravings for coffee are diminishing. my mood is much better and any upsetting thought that crosses my mind is easily dismissed, even when i'm angry i haven't stayed angry for very long. along with taking supplements i've been including a healthy variety in my meals so BEWM POW! energy.

i'm very happy with the changes i've been experiencing! now... all that's left is getting more sleep and getting into the habit of exercise....

i'll just leave this picture of my favorite marine animal here in the meantime:

i'm still very concerned about some things. the main thing i worry about is how skinny i am. i don't try to lose weight and i find myself staring at the bones in the mirror. i wasn't this skinny before and this dramatic weight loss doesn't make much sense to me. i'm not watching the scale, i'm not eating things in low-fat (even when i should) and sugar still has it's grip on me. i never miss a meal and have several during the day. i suppose this could be a healthier weight for me? i weighed a bit more when i still ate fast food and never anything rich in nutrients.. but still. i gross myself out. i hear people always commenting on my weight and i feel exposed and ashamed.

definitely something to bring up to my naturopath next time i see her... FAK

first self-taken shots.

all is still

the branches reach out
thin limbs clawing at the sky 

silently, silently

grasping the stars that swirl 

into an ever-changing abyss

never able to 

really find beauty in such a thin
frail grasp
constantly being broken

then the cold white fluff

twirls from the sky

and the lonely claws are finally comforted
by the gentle arrival of such
softness

light on le collar bones.

graduation.

i feel a mixture of things: sadness, happiness, excitement, regret. i have always been impatient for high school to be over and now that it is, i wish i had been more active and actually AT school so i had more of a positive high school experience. i let my grudges from what had been done to me in grade eight and nine prevent me from enjoying high school, even now. but, life had worked itself out. i am happy, i am successful, i have distinguished between what is real and what is not.

i did make a few great friends. angelo has been my best friend for years and despite the fact we are not as close as we used to be, he always will be my best friend. there are so many things that have happened and i feel my chest swelling with nostalgia.

so much is going to change and has changed. the familiar, safe walls of high school have fallen away and we are all bare for the harsh reality of the world to see. i can't wait for the high school reunion in the future, to see how everyone has changed and how their lives have progressed. i want to see their babies, their husbands and wives.

i often wonder what my life will be like years from now, but i know i will be happy.

done by christie at east vanity parlor

jacob and i, friends since grade 6.

helen

austin, kayli and i.

friends since grade eight :) 

dessert dessert dessert.

aha!

shot of my dress :)
and my hair when the rain didn't have it's way with it...

handsome lindsay and i sitting by the windows on the cruise.

the ladies.
(kayli, helen, jenny, katherine, me, and christina)

a group picture
(kayli, christina, austin, helen, richard, katherine, eric, jenny, angelo and myself)

myself, angelo and jenny.

myself, austin and angelo.

myself and christina.

sheldon

mom and i!

"fawn"

my little sister.

revived caffeine addiction in full swing.

simply put, i feel like shit pre-caffeine. afterwards it feels like i just drank an entire bottle of felix felicis and life suddenly becomes okay.

long, rambly explanation: the sadness i've been feeling lately has caused me to lose a lot of sleep these past few weeks. i wake from nightmares to the sound of my own heavy breathing. sometimes the dreams are too painful for me to stay sleeping and i wake from the searing pain in my chest that doesn't go away until i fully realize i'm awake. the few times i have had dreamless sleeps, i would wake randomly for no reason and blink at the wall until i got tired enough to fall asleep again.

clearly this has made work difficult. i have been irritable, too tired and unmotivated to do anything. that of course is because of the random sadness, but lack of sleep contributes greatly. to make up for it and make sure my performance doesn't suffer, i have been consuming too much caffeine
and this is what it feels like:

wow, my eyes are suddenly wide open again! my fingers are flying and all is rainbows and unicorns. everyone give me work to do so i don't waste this surge of awesome! i should re-arrange the boardroom for the hell of it and make it pretty. i'm going to answer this phone and i'm going to love it. look at all these ideas i came up with for the next meeting. indeed, quite awesome. i am the lovechild of the hulk and flash. i can carry these heavy boxes and run up the stairs and i won't feel a thing. it feels like my body has been inhibited by pure awesome.

a few hours pass and then it's this:

oh god i shouldn't of had that coffee i can feel the headache behind my eyes coming back. oh no! my eyelids are starting to get heavy. i'm sure i'm lactose intolerant noooooooo my stomach is going to hurt so bad. i'm already sounding like a robot on the phone. when will this day end? maybe walking around the office for a bit will help. nope! i won't make it if this continues. why is this suddenly a million pounds heavier? derp. derp. derp. derp.

repeat.



.......sorry, body.

i know i want a typewriter. i say want because i don't need one, i can live the rest of my life without ever owning a typewriter and i will not feel like i have missed out on anything at all. this fact doesn't stop me from going into antique shops and staring adoringly at the oldest-looking one there. little sighs of typical, materialistic want flood my lungs and even if i can afford one, i walk out of the store empty-handed. as if i've had my fill just looking. just browsing. what a silly.
even if i owned one, would i use it? i would be afraid of  wasting the ink with my many mistakes. i have made countless just typing up this teeny post. but then i think go on! make mistakes and make amends later. there will always be a fresh sheet of paper that is just waiting to be messed up. i can learn to type slowly, i think. but i have issues with impatience where I MUST GET MY POINT ACROSS NOW AND IF I DON'T DO IT NOW, I MIGHT FORGET. i was in the middle of sorting mail at work when i thought about my random desire for an old typewriter and had to frantically grab a pen and write it on my memo pad.

kim will cover my break and read the memo and i'm sure she will raise an eyebrow but never ask me about it.
it goes like this exactly: "i know i want a typewriter. but i know i would just sit and stare at it and the protruding keys will stare back. i would be too afraid of making mistakes and wasting ink."

and that is all.

sometimes i wonder why i write about such serious things on here. there are only two people in the world that know about this blog but only one really looks at it. the other will never read these words so i am going to say whatever i want about that subject. plain and simple: he doesn't care. i'm not saying it's a big deal, he has a life and he's fallen in love for the first time recently, why would he decide to put aside some time to read about my most intimate thoughts? i'm not bitter or butt-hurt about it because although he is one of my only friends (i say this because real friends are best friends and i don't have a lot of best friends), we have grown apart over the years. most of that is my fault.

i have showed one or two posts to my family because they are about them, but i will never give them the chance to memorize the url. this is the place i can write whatever i want without the fear of being judged or questioned, i know lindsay will never judge me. even if i one day posted up pictures of my armpit hair growth over the series of a few months. even if i'm gnarly and gross or one day write about every single detailed flaw about myself, he will never judge me.

sometimes i wonder if there's a part of my brain that is sensitive only to serious and painful things, as those things are what i remember easily. the memories bleed into each other and end up a big, dark splotch and i labelled this splotch as 'things i wish i could forget' and 'things that have made me stronger' and 'fuck it all.' i know forgetting what i've experienced will make me a different person and i would not have my life any other way. i am blessed and i am cursed, but it's the kind of curse i am thankful for.
happy thoughts do run through my mind a lot and sometimes i encounter thoughts that make me laugh like a tool on transit, but i never remember them. i often wonder why i decide to write about the things that hurt me the most and post them, to be forever remembered?

one theory i have about myself is that i want to look back on these words years later and think: "i survived it all and i am happy now, look at me!" i look at sublime, unrelenting happiness as something to be achieved in the future but there are days where i wonder. to think that growing up and instantly becoming happy every day of the year (or most of them) is a very unrealistic mindset that will probably crash and burn if i am convincing myself it will happen. life is hardly something to look at through rose-colored glasses, especially once i am out there without the familiar safety net my mother provides. if i think that life is difficult for me right now, i am going to slap myself silly once i am out there in the real world.

so, i'm going to make it a point to write about every single thought. happy or sad. funny or boring. i don't want to look back on this blog and think WHAT THE HELL? WHAT KIND OF TEENAGER WAS I? i want to remember myself as a person that isn't always sad, especially not anymore. i may have out-of-whack hormones right now because the pill does that, but knowing my recent, out of the blue sadness is artificial is a great comfort. i feel better already knowing that it is truly not me, not anymore.

WOO.

irises glazed over, an anchor weighing down eyelids
until the dark curtain of eyelashes sweep together
a chaotic storm and rising ocean water
hidden beneath those fleshy covers

fire crackles inside the sharp bones
of a rib cage
molten blood coursing through tree root veins
growing across a wrist, the slope of the feet

pale flecks upon dry lips
fall open and pulse
pink moistened by a greedy tongue
held by teeth

sharp corners rolling
attempting to pierce through but
the blanket of skin gives into
every twist

light dips into the contours of
a nightmare contorted face
lungs swell with air
unable to hold
then shrink only to
quickly fill again

i don't feel very good today

sometimes i still feel all alone in this world. i know i am not; i have a beautiful family, a few great friends and the love of my life at my side. sometimes, i feel like i take a step and i have crossed a border where i am the only one on the other side.
i am watching them and i feel like i am so separated, that i am so far away. i know i am naturally an introvert and have always had difficulty putting myself out there, but i do notice that sometimes i have peaks where i am a social butterfly. my energy is spent quickly in those situations and i spend the rest of the time listening to the conversations surrounding me.
lately i realized that i am quite exhausted as well as stressed, i find myself pausing to reflect on my life and figure out what's causing my moments of unhappiness but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. the only thing that ever causes my unhappiness is myself, i am the only thing i have control over. i can control the people i surround myself with, i can control my emotions if i try hard enough, i can work on fixing my damaging qualities that fill my heart with self-doubt, i can improve my talents and i am the source of my confidence; i am the maker of my own happiness essentially.

i want to spend the next few days enjoying my own company, reflecting on my thoughts and life and working on my personal interests and hobbies. i don't remember the last time i had let myself be alone. being alone used to be scary. it used to mean that dangerous thoughts had permission to cloud my mind, it used to mean others felt they had a right to approach me with venom dripping from their sharp tongues, it used to mean that i was truly alone.

now, i am surrounded by warmth and love and i know i will be fine. i am learning what true love is and what real friendship really means. i am happy.

(mostly) unedited extras of the shoot today.

trapped in a world where
values are distorted.
there are despicable humans
wasting their lives away in front of mirrors,
puckering their chapped, chemical-covered lips
at themselves.
they push fat up,
compress their skin,
cut open their bodies
and nestle plastic among their bloody flesh
only to admire themselves further.

there are those with fanged grins that glow,
long claws growing from tense fingers,
ready to slash at the hearts of the innocent.
they drink the blood that drips,
injecting a vile poison that leaves
the organ cracked and empty.

there are those with wide mouths,
fat lips that are never closed and
thick sausage hands that grab at anything they lay their eyes on.
humans are but possessions,
flesh and souls can be bought at any price and they are more than willing.

i want to rip open my shoulder blades
and see if there are wings hidden
somewhere embedded in the muscle
and curled around my spinal cord
i want to fly away
swim among the stars and
find somewhere i belong

but then i stop clawing at my skin and pause
my lungs fill then empty
and i remember how it feels to be in his arms
my wings slide easily through my skin
so gently that i hardly even notice
his kisses draw out the light inside the darkness,
my soul glows

and i realize in his arms
is where i belong.

i have been filled with odd anxiety that tenses up my muscles and makes my spine curl up, my dinosaur bones creating hills along my back. i have been lying awake and staring at nothing in the darkness, my restless mind chattering so loudly that sadness swirls in my lungs and poisonous feelings rise like ocean water in my chest, drowning the voice of reason. the demons explode from behind my eyes and escape from between my lips and through my tear ducts, tormenting me with images i wish i could forget. knowing i am stronger now because of them is no comfort, my bones contort and my rib cage is folded up, trying to hide me away but there is nothing there but myself. i am tortured by the demons voice that sounds exactly like mine, hissing words in my ear of my worst fears and promising they will come true because it is what i deserve. i lay restless, my heart scalding and i swear my wounds re-opened from swelling with so much self-loathing but i know i am being deceived. just when i think it will never be over, he’s sitting there waiting for me. his limbs reach out for me and hold me close to him, even his smell is chasing the demons away and i can see them circling, waiting for a chance to sink their fangs into my skin but he never leaves me. i sigh and the poison washes out easily, i can feel my heart beating strong and there are no open wounds, no pulsing gashes. i doze wrapped up in his love, my soul at peace.

my bird really likes frankmusik.

a memorable weekend.

the three of us watched a beautiful japanese movie that made me cringe a couple times, it was nice to hold his hand and have her there with us. i'm so happy i have my greatest friend back and that she doesn't wrinkle her nose in distaste at the sight of us. to be able to turn and kiss his face and then turn to share words and jokes with her is a great feeling. i have a family.

he took me to a park that we've been speaking of going to for weeks and there was lots of fluff floating in the air that coated the ground and water. i took pictures and he held my hand, i felt so comfortable and at ease surrounded by his presence, all was still. we headed home sipping bubble tea and i beat diablo III while he modeled a miniature figure that he plans on painting. leaving him in the morning was one of the most difficult things i had to do, feeling his warmth and his scent envelope me is home. after work had finished dragging on painfully, we saw each other again and watched avengers.

i stayed with him one last night before the world forced our bodies apart, i always miss him when we're apart but i look forward to seeing him again. he is the light of my life.

tzar.

random dog we encountered on our walk.

sleeping tzar.

lindsay and a fluff-covered path.

my love.

fluff covered water.

his laugh.

diablo fayse.

my best friend

all photo's taken and edited by myself (hannah earhart)

model: krista alexandria moser