sometimes i still feel all alone in this world. i know i am not; i have a beautiful family, a few great friends and the love of my life at my side. sometimes, i feel like i take a step and i have crossed a border where i am the only one on the other side.
i am watching them and i feel like i am so separated, that i am so far away. i know i am naturally an introvert and have always had difficulty putting myself out there, but i do notice that sometimes i have peaks where i am a social butterfly. my energy is spent quickly in those situations and i spend the rest of the time listening to the conversations surrounding me.
lately i realized that i am quite exhausted as well as stressed, i find myself pausing to reflect on my life and figure out what's causing my moments of unhappiness but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. the only thing that ever causes my unhappiness is myself, i am the only thing i have control over. i can control the people i surround myself with, i can control my emotions if i try hard enough, i can work on fixing my damaging qualities that fill my heart with self-doubt, i can improve my talents and i am the source of my confidence; i am the maker of my own happiness essentially.
i want to spend the next few days enjoying my own company, reflecting on my thoughts and life and working on my personal interests and hobbies. i don't remember the last time i had let myself be alone. being alone used to be scary. it used to mean that dangerous thoughts had permission to cloud my mind, it used to mean others felt they had a right to approach me with venom dripping from their sharp tongues, it used to mean that i was truly alone.
now, i am surrounded by warmth and love and i know i will be fine. i am learning what true love is and what real friendship really means. i am happy.
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