when i'm reading a really good book, i find that i start typing in the style the book was written. it's weird and i don't know why i do it, but i am doing it right now. it gradually fades away, but if the book is still fresh in my mind, it starts to pour out of my body through my fingertips. i end up mixing in my own writing style with how the book is and sometimes i think it makes me grow as a writer when i do this. i find things, i lose things, etc etc etc. i once wanted to be a writer, but ideas i always had got too boring for me to keep up with. the original plot would stray and i would get lost in it.

currently i'm reading 'the perks of being a wallflower' and i have always wanted to read it, but just now finally had the opportunity. i'm picky about buying things and i hate borrowing library books sometimes. i fall in love with books and once i do that, i don't return them. i owe the public library closest to my house quite a bit of money..

that aside, i don't know where i was going with this. just that i wanted to write something that wasn't so tragic. i'm still struggling with finding happy things to write about - it seems the stronger my sadness is, the more and more i write. that is because when i am happy, i decide to do other things.

i am also currently deciding on whether or not to becoming a holistic nutritionist.

going through old writings, again.

seeing it as a betrayal yet it was before you met, seeing it as unequal but when in life, has everything and everyone you met been equal to you? forgiving your own faults and self-destruction but not able to forgive her mistakes that are not even mistakes
now tell me, is that equal? she has forgiven you.
she must be perfect for you to accept her. would you still love her if your perception of her completely shattered, and you think, “she has been lying to me this entire time, she has betrayed me,” when in fact you have been betraying her.
altering her own memories and experiences so that she fits you like a hand in a glove, both of you knowing that she is pretending, she is pretending for you.
she has no standards or guidelines for your past, stating what you should have done in order for her to be with you, in order for her to love you..
is the life of this love a tragedy, and the death of it bliss? 

wicked child, clutching at my limbs
why do you grin when your fangs draw blood from my skin?
is it proof that my heart, in fact, exists? is there a truth in my blood that you are searching for, somehow thinking that the truth in my words desists? i will lie, then. i will lie again and again, i will save myself from your reckless abandon and your bruising words.
i feel the parasites injecting into my blood stream and i have lost all will to escape
i am afraid of tearing out my veins, despite their fabricated shape
nothing about me is real anymore, yet i think:
what good will i be, if i am dead? what good will i be, caged and beaten into submission?
i guess i am no good at all, unless given your permission.

it's strange that i think that these words i once wrote are quite pretty, despite the pain behind them.

EF 50mm f/1.2L USM

I have already had two very large purchases. My Canon EOS 5D Mark ii, and my Samsung Galaxy S3 phone. Both of which, I am happy I got! I have always wanted that a top-notch canon camera, and I got the phone full retail price because it will save me money in the long run.

NOW, I have already decided what my next big purchase will be (although I won't be buying it for a long time, I need to slow down on the spending of large items right now) and it's that super awesome lens right up there ^ The focus and depth of field is amazing and I love what it does to backgrounds! I just want a nice lens that allows me to shoot subjects and achieve a 'full picture' look.

IN DUE TIME, MY LOVE, IN DUE TIME.

Recluse in a place that should be safe.

She is told that she is home and puts her possessions as they were before but somehow, as she is looking around her room, the color is different. There is something unfamiliar and cold about the way her walls look, she realizes. Had it always been this way, but she had just grown used to it?

Those whose blood runs the same as hers are whispering behind her back, she is finding things out later than she should and there is no room for discussion. She tries to reach her voice out, but it falls on deaf ears and is brushed off their shoulders as if it were a nuisance. She is backed up into a corner, the alien sounds of the living room remind her just how alone she is, cooped up in her empty-feeling room. There is no part of the house she feels comfortable.

Tears fall and don't go unnoticed, but silence is what comforts her. She sleeps and wakes, her body restless but her mind wide awake. There is nothing she can do but wait until the next day, where she will be thrust into society again only to come 'home' to a desolate place filled with people that should make her feel welcome and accepted. She sleeps to escape loneliness.

I'm going to live a good life.

People are always going to hurt me, they make mistakes. The risk in having people close to me is that they have power to hurt me and they will. It happens.
That being said, there is always a choice. I pick who I feel is worth hurting over, who I am willing to let myself be hurt over and who I still want to be around regardless. I have gone through this many times where friends have hurt me and I reacted in a very cold anger – I chose to think it through and ask myself, ‘is this person really worth hurting over if they hurt me in the first place?’ I decided to cut whoever hurt me over and over again out of my life, thinking that it was a good choice. But, something I’ve realized is that I am not the kind of person that holds grudges.  In order for me to stick to my guns and prove being ‘right’, I have to continuously fuel the initial anger and try and stay angry, even when the anger fades into a pain that only makes me miss the person and want to talk it over and fix things. Anger does not last long in me. There’s always a choice – being right, or continuing an important friendship that may very well be on the brinks of death. I want to live my life with no hatred latching onto my heart, no bitterness. I want to be able to forgive those that wrong me and be free of long-lasting rage.

However, this only applies to people that I actually care about, like, and feel that they are worth hurting over (even if they are not). Sometimes friendship can get sour. I find out things about a person that I never saw before, qualities that I don’t want to deal with because that kind of pain is constant – it’s the kind of pain that eventually results in being annoyance and anger, leaving me with a very low opinion of the said person. It’s sad, but it happens. It will happen again and again.

Just got to pick the people I want to deal with and pick the people that I don't want to have anything to do with. 

Kombucha tea.

Recently, when going through a forum and many different blogs related to health, I stumbled upon this tea. It is called 'Kombucha' and is literally a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast. When making it, it is left to ferment for about a week or two and feeds off sugar and caffeine. It is typically a very sweet tea, but the longer it ferments, the more it it begins to smell and taste vinegar-y. The more vinegar-y it is, the stronger and healthier it is. It must be made with a SCOBY, lots and lots of really strong green or black tea, sugar, and previously made Kombucha tea. Because SCOBY's can be quite expensive, I'm going to make my own and begin brewing tea from it as soon as it's made. Each time tea is brewed, the mother SCOBY makes a baby SCOBY and yadda yadda, more tea for everyone.

I plan on brewing this very soon! It's a long process, but because of my past digestive health issues and how many antibiotics I had taken, I want to nurse the good bacteria back to health in my body. Probiotic tablets are quite expensive to purchase, so I figured this would be a cheaper alternative.

the sky is burning