started my baby journal today

i went and bought a book with the last of my money this month, it is black with a gold pattern in the centre of it. i bought it for how simple it looked, the thickness, the paper. i wanted something that would last.

i wrote my first entry today, writing a whole bunch of random love-laced words to our baby and explaining parts of who i am to him or her. i know he/she will probably know all these things by the time he/she is older, but i want him/her (i keep accidently writing 'her' or 'she' and having to fix it, i won't know the gender for another eight months! such a strange thing to assume the gender at this point already) to know that i have loved him/her from day one. there was never a single doubt in my heart or in my mind, i was never afraid.

i will give it to him/her when 18 years have passed. the age that i have conceived. i wonder about how different life will be in 18 years. what society will be like, the way people decide to dress, whether or not organic food will be more available and cheaper than conventional food. i wonder about our child, his/her personality and what he/she will be doing right now with his/her life. it's getting a bit tiring to write the genders down like this.

november 29th - i started my letter journal. i am officially 6 weeks pregnant. symptoms: sore boobs, fatigue, nausea at times, hunger, sensitive smell.

this is all real and so beautiful.

need to rant, need to rant.

if you want something, work your ass off for it. do not complain when others do not allow things to fall into your hands - it is not their responsibility to give you what you want/need. it is no one's responsibility but yours.

welfare is not supposed to be used for situations like this, it is supposed to be used for those that really do need it. i am paying taxes in order to support laziness? it bothers me when i see people like myself and those around me that are selling our lives in order to earn our living, then seeing you complain about such a small christmas bonus that they did not even need to give you at all. seeing you complain about how they don't give you enough to really live - well then get a job! earn your life! it is not their job to make your life pleasant and easy, they are there to make it bearable until you find work!

it wouldn't be so bad if you were grateful for what other have been doing for you, what others don't need to do for you. but constantly complaining... that is the thing that bothers me the most.

just a mini rant, i needed to get this out.

sweet b

i am so happy to have discovered five days ago that you are real. that this entire time that i have been filled of wonderings of you but expecting not to meet you for years and years and years, and here you are. this beautiful feeling has blossomed in me and every little sign that shows you are real excites me to no end.

i am planning to log my pregnancy like this, to remember this beautiful feeling always.

november 22, 2012
woke up for work and remembered to test, because my aunt and mom told me to. they told me they think i am, that my weight gain and off and on UTI was a symptom all in itself. i expected another disappointing pregnancy test, like the others i have taken and secretly (but not a secret to lindsay) was so disappointed at the negative result. i remember placing the test onto the ground to finish my 'business' and when i checked again, i swore my heart stopped beating. i frantically got up and waited for the conception indicator, staring dumbly at the words "pregnant" until it finally showed up. "2-3 weeks" it said, and i remember whispering to myself, "oh my god."

i went into our bedroom and asked to turn on the light, immediately shoving the test at his face. watching his dumbfound expression made me laugh, as it mimicked mine. we laid in our bed and stared at it in utter shock, he was worried how i felt about it and constantly asked me if i was okay.

i wore the happiest grin all day.

i got a confirmed positive test from my doctor the next day and broke the news to my mom. i worried that my age would cause her to worry, to be disappointed in me. the smile and hug i received shocked me and i remember thinking, "this is perfect."

she immediately wanted to have a dinner to break the news to our family friends and the rest of our family, but i guess she could not contain her excitement and told the majority of the guests.

i am very happy to have such a supportive family.

symptoms i have had:
- a 'period' on the 18th that wasn't a period. on and off period that started and stopped constantly and was darker than usual. i thought nothing of it.
- tender nipples all month. also thought nothing of it.
- cramping a week before my period was supposed to come. thought nothing of it because my family said it was normal.
- ferocious appetite. also thought nothing of it as my appetite changed throughout the month usually. but one thing that i found unbelievable was eating 18 pieces of sushi in one sitting.

upon finding out:
- sensitive smell
- sensations in my abdomen
- cramping
- low backache
- fatigue


each and every symptom i encounter only makes me so excited that i have to force myself not to think about it. i cannot wait to meet the life that grows inside me, i cannot wait to experience this even more and to birth my baby naturally. i can face the judgement, it is insignificant.

life has fallen into place so beautifully. the interesting thing is that i moved in with lindsay without knowing i was pregnant, that the day i told my mom there was a bunch of baby clothes at her work that were donated. i was allowed to pick out whatever i wanted. my uncle knew i was pregnant before anyone just looking at me, my aunt suspected it because of my weird 'period', my sister kept telling me i was pregnant when i complained about cramping or nausea.

this post is so everywhere and it's because i have so much to say and i wanted to remember it all, but  the point is that i am too excited for this. i find that now that i'm here, i am ready. i tried to convince myself this entire time that i wasn't, i couldn't be. that i'm too young to be ready. but here i am with lindsay, and i am ready.

thoughts

i am patiently waiting for lindsay to come home with yogurt smeared all over my face (goofy but beneficial) and i'm thinking about the past week that i've been here.

it's truly been amazing. at first, i had thought i would be severely 'home sick' and miss my family and all their quirks. i have been missing them, of course, but it hasn't been heart-wrenching like i expected. i suppose i have been more ready for this than i thought. the positive energy that flows through the walls of this home is almost overwhelming. i am not looked down upon, i am supported, i am loved.

there are ups and downs but i feel like i can get through anything with him. i can withstand the negative words, the knowledge that words spoken behind my back are ugly and the troubles that have and will approach - i find that i just don't care. it's a waste of energy to worry about something as feeble as my reputation, to worry about someone that is far from selfless. what matters in my life is my focus and that is him. it is my family. it is myself. the self respect that has grown within me has given me so much power and i am a different person. i feel new and comfortable in this new skin, unafraid.

a contributing factor is because of my decision to move in with him, despite the doubts surrounding it. he has filled my life with something so great and so rich, something that couldn't be filled with our previous living arrangements. it used to feel like the only time i felt so satisfied and at peace was on the weekends. the rest of the week dragged on and felt like the color had been drained from it.

now, i am slowly building my self-confidence back up that was shattered by someone very important to me. it's going to take time and there are moments where i look at myself in the mirror and i feel disgusted, but i've noticed those moments are slowly shortening in length and are occurring less frequently. a sense of responsibility has blossomed in me, instead of the feeling that i am sheltered all the time. i feel responsible for the well-being of this home. i'm responsible for how well i feed myself. i am always happy and i love seeing him everyday. the one thing i need more of is sleep, but it's hard not to stay awake and talk to him about his day and snuggle close to him. i feel like the lack of sleep is worth it, but i know it will take its toll on me soon.

whatever hardships we encounter, the most important thing is that we will encounter them. not him, not i. but we. 

today, i move in with lindsay and away from a place i used to call home. like moving from one world to another. 

i am used to being the last to wake, even at 6 o'clock in the morning. i open my bedroom door and warm light spills everywhere and i am  greeted by the sound of my family and the smell of something cooking. my kitten, who i will miss very much and have decided to leave to my sister, rubs herself against my leg all the while purring. i spend an hour talking to them and eating breakfast slowly, feeling energy fuel me for my day.

i will miss moments like these but i am ready for this next stage of my life. things will be very different and im hoping, wont be made to be too difficult.  

i wonder about this new life i am about to live. 

because posting on facebook is often taken far too personally

people reveal their darkest and ugliest colors when they're experiencing great difficulty. i've seen many colors and some have been horrible and terrifying to witness, before they are hidden again. but like seeing a monster, you cannot forget it's face no matter how hard you try. no matter how many beautiful masks it wears, you will always see it.

dear k,
i'd rather write this where you will never see it, as i have tried again and again to communicate my feelings towards you and have always been turned away. are you afraid of hearing the truth you very well know? the message where i finally poured it all out was completely ignored has been a huge disappointment. i am disappointed of your cowardice. your selfishness. your ignorance.

i remember there was once a time where you were almost blood to me. i ignored everything about you that bothered me, because like family, those minor things didn't matter. i cared about you so greatly that i sacrificed my own feelings many times, made sure you were fed when you were starving, had a place for you to sleep when things became too rough for you. i ignored the voices that told me you were not a good friend to me and that you likely have stolen a few of my possessions under my nose, but i do not hold possessions so highly so it was easy to let go. that was a mistake, because while it was just material items you took, it was your values that i should have noticed. you will deny to this day that you have taken anything and explain how you are a decent person, but i know you better than that. i have seen it.

as i developed and grew, i felt repressed by you. my opinions were stepped on. my wants and voice, unheard. i grew into this strong person and i longed to stretch my wings but you were confining me by your own wants and needs. i felt uncomfortable. i watched your voice lash out and whip at those you felt were beneath you and i feared ever being subjected to that. i never understood why you were so defensive about everything.

i saw the way you treated your brother, my lover. i felt rage boil in me and my resentment turn darker the more you felt you had a right to treat him in such a way. if not for him, where would you be? my growing distaste for your personality made things a bit worse, my opinion of you was no longer high. i lost respect for you and eventually, lost much of the care i once had for you. i saw your laziness and your complete selfishness. your subconscious idea that the world revolved around you sickened me.

with my newfound and amazing love, i became stronger and stronger and my self-respect grew. i no longer tolerated your 'shit,' so to speak. this caused great turmoil, because everything i had wanted to say in the past but held in, was out. i made sure it was known that i had a voice after all. it was obvious you did not like this and blamed my relationship for my distance and while you are wrong about it, you are also right.

lindsay has given me strength. he has filled me up with warmth and given me so much purpose in life, i feel like i deserve much more than what i had before. that includes the friendships that were poisonous.

you.

i appreciate what you have done for me. you weren't always a bad friend, there was a lot of good too. you stood by me during a very hard time in my life when everyone else turned their backs. when i wouldn't listen to you, you did not give up on me. i appreciate it all very much and always will. there were times we laughed and cried together and spent a lot of time sitting at my kitchen table just talking for hours. i will miss those times and sometimes i wish you didn't taint it, but at least i know you now. i truly know you.

friendship is a choice. the deeper you go and the more you learn, you have a choice each day whether or not to stick around.