these past few days have made me into an empty shell filled to the brim of nothing but poison, all of my white bones protruding for all to see. a disgusting feeling rises and swells in my throat and i am consumed by a demon. i become selfish and watch as my mother spews venom at me while i writhe, watch as my sister turns away while tears flow down my cheeks. i open my mouth to pour out what's trapped and immediately the words are swept to the side. i do not understand this form of care.

i almost lost one of the people in my life dearest to me, images of flesh meeting pavement cannot leave my mind. i cannot speak of it, it is always there and i fear saying it out loud. i fear what will come after the complete shock wears off, i still cannot grasp the very thought. i try to picture what life would have been without her soul by my side and the thought is mind-numbing. it is not possible. there are too many feelings that i have about her - rage, despair, love and worry. i am being shaken by the turmoil and becoming an awful person again. i cannot shake this. this almost-action has affected everyone around her, i am becoming lifeless. i want to reach out my hand to her, but mother has whispered things to her and i am the enemy. i withdraw, trying to defend myself. why must mother do this now?

mother and i bring each other to the edge and throw awful words at each other, becoming nasty monsters with snapping jaws and hate-filled eyes. my sister is lost between the two of these raging storms - but ultimately i know i am alone and they are on the other side. i am an outsider even when our lungs share the same air, i am an outcast even if i were to go back now. it does not feel like home. does my family think that my emotions are fake or worthless? their actions are shouting louder than anything they can ever say to me.

home is with him. he who listens to me and tries to coax me out of my mind, forces his eyes to stay open and holds my hand. home is where i am happy, where i can let it all out and i am not afraid.

but i know i will ignore my feelings soon, i have to. no matter the damage done to my heart - it's hers that must be held above mine. i will force life into my eyes for her again, i will ignore the pain of swallowing poison. i will try my very best.