these past few days have made me into an empty shell filled to the brim of nothing but poison, all of my white bones protruding for all to see. a disgusting feeling rises and swells in my throat and i am consumed by a demon. i become selfish and watch as my mother spews venom at me while i writhe, watch as my sister turns away while tears flow down my cheeks. i open my mouth to pour out what's trapped and immediately the words are swept to the side. i do not understand this form of care.

i almost lost one of the people in my life dearest to me, images of flesh meeting pavement cannot leave my mind. i cannot speak of it, it is always there and i fear saying it out loud. i fear what will come after the complete shock wears off, i still cannot grasp the very thought. i try to picture what life would have been without her soul by my side and the thought is mind-numbing. it is not possible. there are too many feelings that i have about her - rage, despair, love and worry. i am being shaken by the turmoil and becoming an awful person again. i cannot shake this. this almost-action has affected everyone around her, i am becoming lifeless. i want to reach out my hand to her, but mother has whispered things to her and i am the enemy. i withdraw, trying to defend myself. why must mother do this now?

mother and i bring each other to the edge and throw awful words at each other, becoming nasty monsters with snapping jaws and hate-filled eyes. my sister is lost between the two of these raging storms - but ultimately i know i am alone and they are on the other side. i am an outsider even when our lungs share the same air, i am an outcast even if i were to go back now. it does not feel like home. does my family think that my emotions are fake or worthless? their actions are shouting louder than anything they can ever say to me.

home is with him. he who listens to me and tries to coax me out of my mind, forces his eyes to stay open and holds my hand. home is where i am happy, where i can let it all out and i am not afraid.

but i know i will ignore my feelings soon, i have to. no matter the damage done to my heart - it's hers that must be held above mine. i will force life into my eyes for her again, i will ignore the pain of swallowing poison. i will try my very best.

i find myself writing posts then stopping half way through because i get lost in them. i realize: this is so negative. this is a bad part of my life, why am i writing about it?

i'm starting posts about my happiness then getting lost in those too. i find no words to describe the amount of bliss that's been flowing through the roots of my body. i am literally soaring and i can see my soul before my very eyes and it is beautiful. it is not dark or burning away at the edges, it is whole. i am truly too happy for words, i can't find the right ones because there are none that are able to accurately describe the amount of  love that is dancing around in my chest, spreading through every limb. i am literally bursting at the seams with it. 

through all the shit life has thrown at me, is throwing at me and will throw at me: it does not matter. why linger on the evils of the world when my energy can be spent jumping and gliding through clouds and dreaming of my beautiful future? when i can put all my efforts into seeing a smile spread across his lips?

i just cannot wait to be ready for what i want most in life.

beautiful work by *inherwake on dA

despite recent events, my mind is at ease.

today, for the first time in a long time (in social situations, anyway) i felt heard. i felt my voice reach listening ears and saw the way their eyes lit up when they thought something i had said was funny. my opinions were appreciated and i had felt comfortable enough to say whatever came to mind. that rarely happens. usually, i have all walls up, my shoulders are tense, my throat tight with words that i don't have.

but this time was different. i'm not used to being considered, nor am i used to having people take interest in my life and ask me questions and actually care. because of this, i opened up a little. i may not have made life long friends today or anything, but i know that it is possible in the future for me to do just that.

i just haven't been around people who value me at all in the past and now that it's happening, i feel very comfortable and at ease.

in other news: i can't wait to see my love tonight. 

new glasses

monster

there is a creature that has poisoned me again. his lust-filled words have cut through the air and stabbed at my body, my weak arms attempting to form a shield yet it's as if they are not there. cold touch upon my shoulders makes me shudder and move away, trying to escape but the demon follows, uncaring of my disgust. his words are made to make me feel like i am an empty carcass, used but for one purpose. necrophiliac. my words are harsh and attempt to cut, but are brushed off immediately as if they are nothing. i protest, i demand for him to stop but his focus on his own selfish desire is too strong for me to sway. cold lips force their way onto mine and i shove as hard as i can and run, the wind and the chatter of ignored public whipping past me. i had foolishly thought their presence would be enough to protect me and i glare at the faces i run past, stung by their unknowing betrayal. i hear loud footsteps behind me, he's screaming at me to 'stop' that he's 'sorry' that 'i won't be able to outrun him' but i do anyway and a bus is my savior from his grasp. i am told that the events that took place made his day and i escape, the bus ride home a sickening temperature but i am sure it is my rage swirling within me that is tormenting my body. i am filled to the brim with shame that doesn't belong there, i blame myself for trusting that i would be safe, that i would be respected. when has this demon ever respected me? memories cloud my mind: forced to bite my tongue in order to quell his all-consuming rage, repeat my shrieks of pain that are ignored as his selfish body takes what it wants, accused of crimes i did not commit because somehow i am not trust-worthy, my loyalty was undeserved. i had secretly gotten my revenge, but it was still not enough. i remember my body thrown against walls and floors, the pain throbbing inside my chest and crippling my body. my bones folding up as i sobbed into my palms, the searing pain that traveled up my arm, the sound of a horrible cracking with each movement. battered and bruised, my soul was lost and the fire had burned out. my words have never meant a thing and i am ashamed. so ashamed.

recently, i have been saved at last. my soul finding peace and washing away the poison that once coursed through my veins everyday.. but i will never forget my shame. i do not want to forget, it is a reminder that i must be strong always even when the chances of victory are low. even when my body is too small and unable to protect me. i can survive even the most violent storms that the world may throw at me, the wounds scarred over and thickening my skin. my past pain is protecting me.

i have been sitting on the floor without any clothes, my eyes looking but not seeing. they are trained upon this white screen and i find i have no words that want to flow through these finger tips that mean a thing. these words i am typing are fillers. i am typing fillers because i want to document all my feelings and i suppose this is a feeling. it is an empty page that was once soaked, dried out in the sun. the edges are curling this way and that, the texture is unpredictable. saturated then drained, confused in what it is. it is no longer a page like the rest, flat and perfect and pressed with the others. huddled together as if unable to live without the comfort of being constantly surrounded.  you can try to flatten this page and squish it beneath the weight of a thousand others, you can try to beat it into submission but it will never go back. there will always be that corner that rolls just so slightly until it is a curve.

now i am writing and all this nonsense is spilling and i am not sure what i mean by it all. there is no point that i can think of behind these fillers, no secret hidden beneath my words that i want you to guess. it is mindless blabber and i suppose i am a sun-dried page today.

today felt like it didn't go by at all. it felt frozen all day long and when four pm finally rolled around, i was awe-struck. i did not feel relief or excitement that i could finally leave the office soon, as it felt like i hadn't been in the office at all. i was absorbed into nothing. time felt frozen yet it went on and i was an innocent bystander, watching the arms click into place repeatedly. even now as i am typing, it's seven pm and i am confused. i have not eaten much today, i am hungry, yet i do not desire food. there are things i need to do today, yet i have been sitting on my bedroom floor among it all, ignoring them whispering their demands.

i feel sort of relaxed into this strange coma-like feeling. the memories of today do not seem to exist.

my day hasn't even started and i'm already in a shitty mood.

this morning my mother asked me why i don't wear make up anymore. i have many reasons. it's not good for my skin, i want to feel pretty without having to slather on a whole new face, my body absorbs things through my skin and i'm sure the chemicals in make up aren't good for my well-being in general.
i asked her why she was asking and she told me that i should, that she likes my face with make up on.

what the fucking shit?

on top of this self-esteem crusher, i woke up sad again. probably because of how awful my day went yesterday, or so i hope.
yesterday i had the wonderful experience of feeling like i wasn't worth anything, a woman at a nail spa was a complete bitch to me and then i came home and had a few issues with my family to deal with.

i managed to deal with two out of three things above, as i have no idea what to do about the first. it's an awful feeling to be forgotten and bailed on, to be the only person putting effort into the friendship. as many times as i have felt this before, it doesn't get any easier.

i just want to go to sleep for about a month. i'm weary and tired and i am dragging my feet behind me, waiting for the blissful weekend to finally roll by.

white moth

thor lindzor.

there are so many memories on this table.

practicing with flames.

i love my lindsay!

my love with a headache.