life is a tornado.
a whirlwind of chaos amid a tangled up sort of beauty. an obvious yet dangerous kind, gazed upon in awe and fear all at once.
i stand in the eye of the storm, everything whipping all around me much too fast for me to recognize. i catch glimpses of things in the debris and one moment my heart is soaring and another, plummeting. i curl up, waiting for the feeling to pass. eyes tired, limbs sore, my soul attempting to catch it's breath.

my thoughts stray as the wind whistles in my ears: i want to relinquish control at times, to let go of my grasp of reality. some days i feel like packing a single suitcase and traveling the world with hardly any belongings would be the best way to live life. to give up the materialistic world where we fill empty rooms with things we don't need and overlook what is really important. have humans forgotten what love is? why is it so rare?
maybe one day i will have the courage to do something like this.

but for now, i feel weak to the will of society. forced to fit in with those that fiddle with their newest piece of technology, talk of people that we don't know, kiss those they do not love. all for the sake of not becoming lonely.

i wake from these thoughts, suddenly filled with a sense of clarity. yet still too tired, too weak, too afraid to do anything.

maybe i'm just really sad sometimes and this is the only way i feel i can escape it. to let go of the life that i know and live something unfamiliar and terrifyingly beautiful.

jumbled.

against all logic and what i should or shouldn't be feeling, this is what i feel. these are my thoughts.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i didn't see you more, that i let life get in the way and i didn't prioritize. i was busy but i wasn't too busy for you, i didn't prioritize you and i'm so very sorry. i'm sorry you died alone, i hope you weren't scared and in pain before you did. i'm sorry i couldn't help you or make you happier before you went. i hope your heart wasn't full of malice and loneliness and pain and i wish i could have done something. i wanted you to be happy. i should have swallowed my pride after the sting of your words cut me, i should have thought to myself that i am young, i will get over it. you are old, you will leave soon.

i'm sorry for being so selfish. there were moments you gave all you could in order to provide for us, even if it wasn't much to you. it meant everything to me, seeing you give so much and get so little in return, just to see the smiles on our faces. even if you didn't know how to care for children, you were just so happy.

i remember the nights you would take us out past our bedtime and get us slurpees. or dairy queen. or something that was a complete waste of money but our smiles were worth it to you.

and i'm sorry i couldn't pay you back for the love you gave us. i love you very much. i really do. i wish i had shown it fully, i wish i didn't let mothers words cloud my judgment. if i had followed what i felt inside, i would have spoken to you. i would have visited you. i knew you were sorry for the things you said, but you were scared. you probably thought we would never forgive you. i'm sorry you died with regret. i hope you didn't.

i wish i knew how you felt, i can only guess. i can only make theories and hope to god you went full of peace. i'm just so sorry. my heart is broken and hurting and i still feel like you're here, that i can just amend my mistakes and see you and say i'm sorry, to undo what i haven't done. but it's too late and you're gone and you were gone for so long and nobody had noticed.

i feel so sad that my sister and i are the only ones mourning you. but maybe that is enough for you? that the ones you loved are the ones that are mourning you. i'm sorry mom is so insensitive about everything, i know that if she had died instead that you would have been so very sad. you would have grieved. you wouldn't of held any malice towards her, despite the fact that to you, she is the one that took your children away from you. she hurt you, you hurt her.

but now you are gone and i never had a chance to hug you one last time and say goodbye. i am full of regret and i always will be, i know you wouldn't want me to. i will always miss you, i will always be sorry.

i wish i could write everything i am feeling. but there is just so much. right now it feels like i am weightless and breathless and god, i miss you daddy.

i am so very sorry. i love you. i wish you could meet my little one that is growing inside me right now, you would have loved him or her very much. i hope you are going to be watching and that you will see him or her wherever you are.

i'm so broken.

started my baby journal today

i went and bought a book with the last of my money this month, it is black with a gold pattern in the centre of it. i bought it for how simple it looked, the thickness, the paper. i wanted something that would last.

i wrote my first entry today, writing a whole bunch of random love-laced words to our baby and explaining parts of who i am to him or her. i know he/she will probably know all these things by the time he/she is older, but i want him/her (i keep accidently writing 'her' or 'she' and having to fix it, i won't know the gender for another eight months! such a strange thing to assume the gender at this point already) to know that i have loved him/her from day one. there was never a single doubt in my heart or in my mind, i was never afraid.

i will give it to him/her when 18 years have passed. the age that i have conceived. i wonder about how different life will be in 18 years. what society will be like, the way people decide to dress, whether or not organic food will be more available and cheaper than conventional food. i wonder about our child, his/her personality and what he/she will be doing right now with his/her life. it's getting a bit tiring to write the genders down like this.

november 29th - i started my letter journal. i am officially 6 weeks pregnant. symptoms: sore boobs, fatigue, nausea at times, hunger, sensitive smell.

this is all real and so beautiful.

need to rant, need to rant.

if you want something, work your ass off for it. do not complain when others do not allow things to fall into your hands - it is not their responsibility to give you what you want/need. it is no one's responsibility but yours.

welfare is not supposed to be used for situations like this, it is supposed to be used for those that really do need it. i am paying taxes in order to support laziness? it bothers me when i see people like myself and those around me that are selling our lives in order to earn our living, then seeing you complain about such a small christmas bonus that they did not even need to give you at all. seeing you complain about how they don't give you enough to really live - well then get a job! earn your life! it is not their job to make your life pleasant and easy, they are there to make it bearable until you find work!

it wouldn't be so bad if you were grateful for what other have been doing for you, what others don't need to do for you. but constantly complaining... that is the thing that bothers me the most.

just a mini rant, i needed to get this out.

sweet b

i am so happy to have discovered five days ago that you are real. that this entire time that i have been filled of wonderings of you but expecting not to meet you for years and years and years, and here you are. this beautiful feeling has blossomed in me and every little sign that shows you are real excites me to no end.

i am planning to log my pregnancy like this, to remember this beautiful feeling always.

november 22, 2012
woke up for work and remembered to test, because my aunt and mom told me to. they told me they think i am, that my weight gain and off and on UTI was a symptom all in itself. i expected another disappointing pregnancy test, like the others i have taken and secretly (but not a secret to lindsay) was so disappointed at the negative result. i remember placing the test onto the ground to finish my 'business' and when i checked again, i swore my heart stopped beating. i frantically got up and waited for the conception indicator, staring dumbly at the words "pregnant" until it finally showed up. "2-3 weeks" it said, and i remember whispering to myself, "oh my god."

i went into our bedroom and asked to turn on the light, immediately shoving the test at his face. watching his dumbfound expression made me laugh, as it mimicked mine. we laid in our bed and stared at it in utter shock, he was worried how i felt about it and constantly asked me if i was okay.

i wore the happiest grin all day.

i got a confirmed positive test from my doctor the next day and broke the news to my mom. i worried that my age would cause her to worry, to be disappointed in me. the smile and hug i received shocked me and i remember thinking, "this is perfect."

she immediately wanted to have a dinner to break the news to our family friends and the rest of our family, but i guess she could not contain her excitement and told the majority of the guests.

i am very happy to have such a supportive family.

symptoms i have had:
- a 'period' on the 18th that wasn't a period. on and off period that started and stopped constantly and was darker than usual. i thought nothing of it.
- tender nipples all month. also thought nothing of it.
- cramping a week before my period was supposed to come. thought nothing of it because my family said it was normal.
- ferocious appetite. also thought nothing of it as my appetite changed throughout the month usually. but one thing that i found unbelievable was eating 18 pieces of sushi in one sitting.

upon finding out:
- sensitive smell
- sensations in my abdomen
- cramping
- low backache
- fatigue


each and every symptom i encounter only makes me so excited that i have to force myself not to think about it. i cannot wait to meet the life that grows inside me, i cannot wait to experience this even more and to birth my baby naturally. i can face the judgement, it is insignificant.

life has fallen into place so beautifully. the interesting thing is that i moved in with lindsay without knowing i was pregnant, that the day i told my mom there was a bunch of baby clothes at her work that were donated. i was allowed to pick out whatever i wanted. my uncle knew i was pregnant before anyone just looking at me, my aunt suspected it because of my weird 'period', my sister kept telling me i was pregnant when i complained about cramping or nausea.

this post is so everywhere and it's because i have so much to say and i wanted to remember it all, but  the point is that i am too excited for this. i find that now that i'm here, i am ready. i tried to convince myself this entire time that i wasn't, i couldn't be. that i'm too young to be ready. but here i am with lindsay, and i am ready.

thoughts

i am patiently waiting for lindsay to come home with yogurt smeared all over my face (goofy but beneficial) and i'm thinking about the past week that i've been here.

it's truly been amazing. at first, i had thought i would be severely 'home sick' and miss my family and all their quirks. i have been missing them, of course, but it hasn't been heart-wrenching like i expected. i suppose i have been more ready for this than i thought. the positive energy that flows through the walls of this home is almost overwhelming. i am not looked down upon, i am supported, i am loved.

there are ups and downs but i feel like i can get through anything with him. i can withstand the negative words, the knowledge that words spoken behind my back are ugly and the troubles that have and will approach - i find that i just don't care. it's a waste of energy to worry about something as feeble as my reputation, to worry about someone that is far from selfless. what matters in my life is my focus and that is him. it is my family. it is myself. the self respect that has grown within me has given me so much power and i am a different person. i feel new and comfortable in this new skin, unafraid.

a contributing factor is because of my decision to move in with him, despite the doubts surrounding it. he has filled my life with something so great and so rich, something that couldn't be filled with our previous living arrangements. it used to feel like the only time i felt so satisfied and at peace was on the weekends. the rest of the week dragged on and felt like the color had been drained from it.

now, i am slowly building my self-confidence back up that was shattered by someone very important to me. it's going to take time and there are moments where i look at myself in the mirror and i feel disgusted, but i've noticed those moments are slowly shortening in length and are occurring less frequently. a sense of responsibility has blossomed in me, instead of the feeling that i am sheltered all the time. i feel responsible for the well-being of this home. i'm responsible for how well i feed myself. i am always happy and i love seeing him everyday. the one thing i need more of is sleep, but it's hard not to stay awake and talk to him about his day and snuggle close to him. i feel like the lack of sleep is worth it, but i know it will take its toll on me soon.

whatever hardships we encounter, the most important thing is that we will encounter them. not him, not i. but we. 

today, i move in with lindsay and away from a place i used to call home. like moving from one world to another. 

i am used to being the last to wake, even at 6 o'clock in the morning. i open my bedroom door and warm light spills everywhere and i am  greeted by the sound of my family and the smell of something cooking. my kitten, who i will miss very much and have decided to leave to my sister, rubs herself against my leg all the while purring. i spend an hour talking to them and eating breakfast slowly, feeling energy fuel me for my day.

i will miss moments like these but i am ready for this next stage of my life. things will be very different and im hoping, wont be made to be too difficult.  

i wonder about this new life i am about to live.