against all logic and what i should or shouldn't be feeling, this is what i feel. these are my thoughts.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i didn't see you more, that i let life get in the way and i didn't prioritize. i was busy but i wasn't too busy for you, i didn't prioritize you and i'm so very sorry. i'm sorry you died alone, i hope you weren't scared and in pain before you did. i'm sorry i couldn't help you or make you happier before you went. i hope your heart wasn't full of malice and loneliness and pain and i wish i could have done something. i wanted you to be happy. i should have swallowed my pride after the sting of your words cut me, i should have thought to myself that i am young, i will get over it. you are old, you will leave soon.
i'm sorry for being so selfish. there were moments you gave all you could in order to provide for us, even if it wasn't much to you. it meant everything to me, seeing you give so much and get so little in return, just to see the smiles on our faces. even if you didn't know how to care for children, you were just so happy.
i remember the nights you would take us out past our bedtime and get us slurpees. or dairy queen. or something that was a complete waste of money but our smiles were worth it to you.
and i'm sorry i couldn't pay you back for the love you gave us. i love you very much. i really do. i wish i had shown it fully, i wish i didn't let mothers words cloud my judgment. if i had followed what i felt inside, i would have spoken to you. i would have visited you. i knew you were sorry for the things you said, but you were scared. you probably thought we would never forgive you. i'm sorry you died with regret. i hope you didn't.
i wish i knew how you felt, i can only guess. i can only make theories and hope to god you went full of peace. i'm just so sorry. my heart is broken and hurting and i still feel like you're here, that i can just amend my mistakes and see you and say i'm sorry, to undo what i haven't done. but it's too late and you're gone and you were gone for so long and nobody had noticed.
i feel so sad that my sister and i are the only ones mourning you. but maybe that is enough for you? that the ones you loved are the ones that are mourning you. i'm sorry mom is so insensitive about everything, i know that if she had died instead that you would have been so very sad. you would have grieved. you wouldn't of held any malice towards her, despite the fact that to you, she is the one that took your children away from you. she hurt you, you hurt her.
but now you are gone and i never had a chance to hug you one last time and say goodbye. i am full of regret and i always will be, i know you wouldn't want me to. i will always miss you, i will always be sorry.
i wish i could write everything i am feeling. but there is just so much. right now it feels like i am weightless and breathless and god, i miss you daddy.
i am so very sorry. i love you. i wish you could meet my little one that is growing inside me right now, you would have loved him or her very much. i hope you are going to be watching and that you will see him or her wherever you are.
i'm so broken.
